Friday, December 2, 2011

Finally - Passing The Meth Drug Test (What Worked For Me)

So I've finally added another page to this blog. It explains how to beat a drug test using the baking soda trick. This test will only tell you how to piss clean when being tested for meth. I was on probation and had to take a UA (urine analysis) test 5 times a month and beat it every time. It will only help you pee clean if you use crystal meth. Does not work for pot (I know this for sure) and other drugs I'm not certain. Check it out

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

New Life?

So Many Changes
    Ok, so basically SO many things have happened since I lost my job. One really HUGE thing that happened was that I've moved from Arizona. (Prescott Valley, actually was the "anonymous" town in AZ that I never actually mentioned.) I've moved about 1,218 miles (1,960 kilometers) northwest to the city of Portland, Oregon.
    Basically the day after I got fired, in what I consider cosmically impressive timing, I got a phone call from this guy Skyler who I dated about 5 years ago when I FIRST moved back to Prescott from San Diego, California. Anyway, he heard that I'd lost my job and that I wanted to get out of Arizona, and the very next day bought me a plane ticket to Portland...... And well, here I am.

What's That? No Meth? Who AM I?!!
    So the other news is of course, here in Portland, it's like a fresh start for me, and I haven't used ANY meth, speed, dope, tweak, crank, gear, or whatever you want to call it in nearly two weeks. I thought it would be SO much harder to be away from it than it is. This is partially due to the fact that I'm so happy to be in such a beautiful place and so excited just to be in a NEW place!! Do I miss meth? Absolutely. And truth be told, I'm still not sure that I've washed my hands of it completely. I still talk to Jack a lot, he keeps insisting that he'll send me a "care package" once I get more settled. But for the most part, I don't think that I'm going to be doing a lot more of the meth.
   I'm going to take this opportunity (since this is the longest that I've gone without doing any in about 10 months.) to maybe start doing actual constructive shit with my life... go back to school, etc.

Skyler and Me - Of course being also preoccupied with someone as awesome as Skyler has helped distract me from the meth too. He knows all about my going to prison, and my past, and whatnot, he DOESN'T however, know how recently I was still doing it... which was actually up until the last night before I got on the plane to com here. But he is kind and awesome and accepting and he's fortunately very willing to cover me financially until I get settled in.
    As I mentioned, he and I used to date about 5 years ago, and at THAT time, I was 25 and he was 23.... still very young for both of us. He was the ONLY relationship that I ever had where we agreed that there wouldn't be any commitment, and we sort of had an "open relationship" in the sense that we always knew that we were allowed to sleep with other people. It sounds weird now when I say that, but as I said, it was the ONLY time before or since in which that situation for whatever reason has worked.
    Now of course, before I even agreed to come up here he and I had a discussion about how that definitely WOULDN'T be the case now... and that if we ended up getting back together (which we apparently have, lol) that we would be monogamous. So that worked out famously... and I can say for the first time in a while that I feel rather HAPPY...? It's weird, I'm almost afraid to say that for fear that I'll jinx it. But he and I have agreed that no matter what that we'd be honest with each other and what we're thinking/feeling which so far is going very well. It just happens that he is this one person that I feel like I can be completely open and forthright with. And I'm fairly certain the feeling is mutual. That's what he tells me anyway. :)

To Princess Addiction and Lilly -
    Now I just want to give a shout out to two of my most endearing and favorite readers who both have blogs of there own. I've got love for both of you and hope to continue hearing from you both even though I may not me a random tweaker anymore....

    Princess Addiction, I have been so appreciative of your support and input. It's been awesome. As for finding out you've got Hepatitis C, I'm terribly sorry, and as you know I can sympathize. It's a good reason for us to get angry.. we need to demand change - and although I'm not exactly sure how to go about that, I know it needs to happen.
    Lilly, And to my Australian sister, I'm still keeping up on your blog as well... thank you also for your input... I hope you keep in touch although my blog may not be kept up on quite as much or if it is I don't know if it will be as "interesting" as it is now (is it now? lol)

The Future Of Me And My Blog -
    Well, I guess for the time being my blog entries might be fewer and more far between. I am definitely am in the middle of creating at least one more page for this blog, and that's the page that will explain in detail how to beat a UA by drinking baking soda I'm sorry that it's taken this long for me to get around to it really. I've gotten a few requests recently for that information, and it's useful information that I know that I myself needed many times while on both, probation AND parole. So I'm about halfway done writing that one out, and plan to have it ready within the next day or two - I PROMISE!!
   As for additional blog entries: The original title of this blog, Meth and Me; Diary of a Tweaker claims that this is the blog of a tweaker.... which I don't know if I am any longer. It was originally intended to be a blog that people could refer to and maybe find some sense of familiarity, or maybe possibly learn a thing or two from my own mistakes. And I'm not sure I'd feel right about just continuing to drone on and on about my life when there's no relation to the originally promised subject material. So....? I don't know honestly where this leaves my blog.
    In some ways the idea that I may be leaving my life as a tweaker behind scares me a little...On and off it's become such a part of who I am. And it's something that in it's own fucked up and self-destructive way is a way of life that is comforting and familiar to me. But hopefully I'll find that there are things that are better again... I've been there before and had a good life - for the most part - until I came back to meth.
    That's always the thing too - I seem to always eventually come back to meth. So - I guess I'll see.

-Random Girl

P.S. - The page on how to beat a UA is coming in a day or two! I swear!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Rancid Icing On My Poisonous Cake of a Week.

Recap Ok - so as I mentioned in my previous post, I've had a shitty sort of week.  Although the Foo Fighters concert I went to was awesome; that night I ended up losing my purse (with all of the money that I'd saved all the previous week, as well as my ID and all of my makeup....)  Then of course I learned from my sort-of-ex-something-or-other that my friend Brittany Cox (R.I.P.) was murdered about 3 & 1/2 months ago.

Piece de la resistance..
So, of COURSE my week wouldn't have been complete without the other night - when I got fired from my job.

Nobody To Blame But Me    It was my own fault of course.  I sometimes lately tend to bring my "energy drinks" (a.k.a. alcoholic beverages) to work with me in Styrofoam cups with lids.  And honestly, I don't get smashed at work, nor do I show up at work drunk or anything.....
    Some people don't like to go to work until they've had their coffee.  I don't like to go to work until I've had a Mike's Harder Cranberry (or lime) Lemonade...
  Having a drink in the morning is of course popularly believed to be one of the warning signs that someone is an alcoholic....(who decided that anyway?)  And hey - I'll be the first to admit that I definitely have an addictive personality.  But I really don't consider myself an alcoholic.  Not yet anyways.....though I like to think that I've got potential.  (kidding, kidding)
    Seriously though, I've found that when I wake up, the first thing I love to do is is crack open a beer or have a drink.  That is the best drink of the day and my favorite way to start my day..  (somewhere in the world someone in A.A. just fainted.)  It wakes me up and puts me in an easygoing, friendly mood - and a content, frame of mind.  And although I'm very aware of the alcoholic implications of having a drink first thing in the morning - I honestly don't see how in doing so I'm any different from someone who has to have their 1, 2, 3 or more cups of coffee in order to feel like they can function.
    Why is one OK and the other socially frowned upon?

And as for drinking right before I go to work, well, I've found that I tend to get on better with tables and people in general when I've had just that one drink before work.  I seem to find my rhythm so much easier, I make better tips. and  I manage things smoothly; I'm pleasant and friendly with tables, and not a lot really phases me.
And like I mentioned before, I wouldn't ever come to work drunk or anything.

    Am I trying to justify my "behavior" with that sort of thinking/rationale?
    Honestly I don't THINK that I am.

My Manager Nina Goes All Secret Squirrel On Me... I'll skip all the unnecessary details, but here are the key points:
  1. I was a little careless with my cup
  2. Nina (a junior manager) distracted me with some menial task I had to go in the back to do
  3. When I was gone and no one was looking she snagged my cup and hustled it back to the managers' office and hid it there until later
  4. She hurried back up front - and acted just as normal as could be to me
  5. A short time later I noticed the disappearance of my cup, but wrote it off to being accidentally thrown away by one of the bussers
  6. When I came back in for my second shift that night, Phillip said he needed to talk to me (at which point I KNEW something was up but didn't know what)
  7. At the last minute Nina came hurrying into the office too (which both, surprised and annoyed me)
  8. I walked out of there 10 minutes later without a job

Had It Been Anyone Else..
    Had it been ANY other manager, (Kimberly, or Debbie or even the main boss, Phillip) I'm like 98% sure that they probably would've just confronted me and told me that couldn't go on anymore.  Phillip of course would've been REALLY upset and disappointed in me.  But I'm fairly certain that had he alone found it that he wouldn't have fired me.  I honestly think that because it was Nina who found it and went to Phil, and because she followed us into the office to be there when he talked to me, I think that he was put in a really bad situation because it would've been really weird if he DIDN'T fire me.  And when he did fire me he apologized, and told me that he wasn't left with any real options OTHER than to fire me - but he told me that he'd definitely give me a good reference - which means A LOT.

The Whole Story: Nina's Ultimatum   So here's the part I didn't know but learned from Chayce tonight. He's a a guy who I worked with there who I've became pretty good friends with over the past months. He's an awesome guy who's been through a lot of drugs and bullshit like me - even though he's only 18 years old.  ANYWAY, Chayce texted me and asked me tonight if I wanted to go to Barefoot Bob's (a bar) and I said yes. (We both ended up getting pretty smashed lol it was fun)  
  It was on the drive over to Barefoot Bob's that he was telling me was telling me how everyone at work thought it was bullshit what happened to me.  And it turns out that Nina told Chayce and a few other people at work that she'd basically given Phillip an ultimatum and told him that if he DIDN'T fire me she'd quit.
I didn't realize that she was that against me.  Strange.. and vindictive.  I'm glad that Chayce told me that too because now I feel more justified in calling her a fucking snitch in my head and hating on her....

After that happened the other night, I walked to the Albertson's Grocery Store not too far from work, and sat down in a remote area of the parking lot and cried for half an hour.

Once I got that out of my system however, I've been trying to be positive.  I like to believe that old addage, "Everything happens for a reason"  :)  
    Turns out that maybe I'm right.  Because some really interesting things have happened since I got fired.  I will write more about them tomorrow - right now I'm all tired from having all those drinks at the bar with Chayce earlier.  And just every once in a while I like to TRY to go to bed before the sun comes up (doesn't happen very often though.)  Ok.  Till later.....

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Whole Lot Of Uninteresting Events, But Foo Fighters Were Cool

Has it been so long?
Wow - has it  really been over a month since I last posted?  I guess so.  I guess I've been spending a little too much time gambling online, which I must admit, I'm finally getting sick of...... I think.   Anyway, I went to see the Foo Fighters down in Phoenix a couple days ago.  That was fucking fantastic!! They are an awesome band and put on a REALLY good show.
   It was  a LITTLE bit weird, because I went with my best friend of 25 years who doesn't do meth or anything anymore.  So I'd decided ahead of time that I wasn't going to bring any with me to Phoenix to do either.  I didn't want to taint what was to be an awesome show with the constant chasing around of my high.  And I didn't want her to notice (which I'm afraid she probably would've if I'd been all tweaked out.)
   The Foo Fighters were INCREDIBLY AWESOME!  Even not being high, I had a fucking awesome time!  She and I were SO close to the stage - probably only about 15 ft  (about 4.57 meters) away from the stage.  And I have such a HUGE crush on David Grohl, (the lead singer who USED to be the drummer for Nirvana.) I haven't been to a concert in over 10 years.  The last concert I went to was back in 2000 (I think?) to see this group called Bauhaus.  (Old 80's goth band) And they were having some sort of resurrection tour.  But when I saw them it was different because nobody I knew even had heard of them.  But THIS was different - it was SO strange and cool to be SO closed to these people who are so famous... And to see them in person as opposed to just on TV!!!
    So that was the GREAT part of my week!  Everything else has, unfortunately sucked.

The Shit That Sucked:

1.) Suspicions at Work -    So sometime last week, my manager Kimberly started a conversation with me that basically went something like "So - I don't want to get you all worried or anything, but there's been some talk lately of people maybe wondering if you're back on drugs.....(blah blah blah etc)"....
   OH SHIT!! and What the fuck?!!! I'm not a spaz at work, in fact, I like to THINK that I actually do pretty good.  However, Kimberly also used to be a tweaker.  And when I say "used to be" it's REALLY STRANGE because I swear to freaking God I've been wondering lately if maybe SHE was back on shit.  Especially considering that her house just got raided about a month ago because they thought her and her fiance' were running a meth lab.  (They didn't find anything though apparently except for a bag of weed.)
   So it REALLY took ME by surprise when I've been kind of looking at her thinking SHE'S been acting kind of strange and then all of the sudden she mentions MY behavior to ME!!

So, stepping back I try to look at my behavior objectively and I think the main thing she mentioned which I totally see is the fact that I've started being late ALL THE TIME.... when I first started there I was always either early or right on time... and I guess people have noticed....

  So that totally freaked me out.  And I had to have a one-on-one talk later that evening with my boss (the general manager) during which I told him that Kimberly and I had this talk and I told him that should this suspicion be floating around then I was more than happy to take a random UA (pee test) to prove my innocence.... This is something (I told him and her) that while not totally ideal for me was also not totally an unreasonable request considering my past and my history.
Meanwhile I'm sitting here thinking about all of the baking soda I'll have to drink in order to test clean if they should actually want me to.  Yech!!!!

2.) Bad Bad News -  So the  other major thing that really sucked this week was while I was down in Phoenix I got some bad news from an old friend of mine.  (Ok, when I say "old friend" I actually mean Guy-who-I-was-totally-in-love-with-who-put-me-through-the-wringer-for-a-year-emotionally-and-who-I-knew-would-have-dope.)  Well, I went through a LOT of trouble to track this guy Gary down, since the last thing I'd done concerning him was to delete his number and all my messages and call history from my phone so that I couldn't break down and call or text him again.  We got together and talked (smoked a couple bowls) and while we talked he revealed to me that our friend Brittany, who was this sweet and trusting girl - just turned 24 - was found murdered a few months ago. They found her body out by some rural freeway is what he told me... although later when I tried to find out anything on line I only found a very brief and uninformative obituary.

This really blew me away.  She and I weren't best friends or anything, but we were good enough friends that I'd stayed over at her house numerous times and that she knew all about my Gary affliction.... She was just one of those kind and trusting girls - who gave most people the benefit of the doubt - and apparently that was her downfall.
   I've cried.  I've been angry.  But most of all I've been disappointed in the human race in general; that someone somewhere somehow took advantage of her kind and perhaps too-trusting nature.  She was not unlike myself at that age...

3.) Lost it - literally -  The OTHER thing that sucked this week, was that after the Foo Fighters concert, my friend and I hopped on the Light Rail (It's this new public transportation system in Phoenix, Arizona) but about 10 seconds after having jumped on it, we realized it was the wrong one - it was going the wrong direction and was closing down for the night.  So at the last second we hopped off real quick - although in such a hurry to do so, I left my freaking purse on the damn thing.  Had ALL my makeup in it, as well as $65 and my ID.... So that really screwed me.  I didn't have any money to get back to my home with - and ended up missing a shift at work, as well as having to be stuck down in super-hot Phoenix with no money for 2 days longer than I wanted.

So that's pretty much all - not a whole lot of exciting business to anyone else but me probably, but there it is.  I was SOOO happy to be able to meet up with Bruce today and get a 20 sack.  I was chomping at the bit for one by the time he got here!!!  Now it turns out that out of the remaining 3 rigs (needles) I had left to do some dope with, 3 of the damn things were clogged!!!    My luck has not exactly been fabulous lately - feels like I'm getting all sorts of bad karma or something.... but I don't really feel like I've done anything shady enough to deserve it??? Hmmm..... ok... on that note I'm out   :)

Friday, September 16, 2011

Me And Gambling - This Can Only End In Disaster!

Ok - Just a quick post (I think.)  I have really gotten out of control with this whole gambling thing!  I mean - this is ridiculous.  Everyday I make sure to scurry to the bank immediately after I get off of work so that I can deposit the day's tips.  Then every night I keep spending every single dollar that I can.... The last two paychecks I got were completely spent within an hour or two of having deposited them.
   I don't spend my money on anything I NEED lately.... I just want to make sure that every dollar I have gets to go towards my gambling habit; a habit which is exacerbated by my meth use.  Because lately my favorite thing to do is do a shot and then crack open a Mike's Harder Cranberry Lemonade and log onto one of my casino accounts.  Because that's my new favorite pastime - being high and gambling.  The little logical voice in my head (the one I never listen to) says that's because when I'm doing both at the same time, I am feeding two addictions at the same time.  Double the pleasure double the fun?  Geez!
    And my newly developed gambling addiction almost takes precedent OVER my meth addiction - which surprised even me.  Because the other day when I was almost out of shit, I decided I could go a day or two without since I only had about $25 which is only enough money for me to either by a bag, or make one online deposit - but not both.  And I opted for depositing into the casino rather than getting a bag... Weird.  (In the end it didn't matter.  My friend gave me $50 to get some shit for him and I ended up fronting myself a 25 sack from the 50 sack I got for him and now I just owe him the $25)
    I looked over my casino deposits online and for last month I blew somewhere in the $400 range and so far this month I've already spent a little over $300!!! That's a lot of money when you're a Lower Tax Bracket Girl like myself!  This is just more craziness that I'm dishing out to myself even though I KNOW BETTER!!!
That being said I'm about to log back into the casino right now.
This could be (is?) really bad....

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Loneliness Sneaks In The Back Door When I'm Not Looking

So - to kind of sum things up where I guess I left off in my last post, I was doing just fine (more or less) before all this random stuff happened with several different guys.  I was totally content to not really have a social life outside of work.  I know that sounds strange, but it's not.  My rationale has kind of been that I don't really want to meet or become involved with anyone at this point in my life.  I don't really feel like I'm living up to my full potential right now, and I'm 31 years old and live with my parents.  I have no license and no car.  I owe over $5,000 in various fines before I can get my license back.  And, oh yeah - there's this whole addiction thing that I've apparently returned to for the time being.
    Really if I was to meet a man who was in my situation I would probably think he was a little bit of a loser.  And if I'm completely honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that right now I'M sort of the loser.  So anyway, I know these things and I've been lucky enough (until recently) to not have feelings for anyone.  I was happy with my own company (and the company of my cat.)  I wasn't lonely or wishing I was in a relationship or that I had someone.  And I didn't have a crush on anyone and therefore didn't have to have someone in my head all the time and didn't have to spend countless hours wondering about Them, and whether or not They were thinking about me (etc.)
    After last month though, I find that I've changed.  Thankfully I'm not (yet) stuck on any one person or anything.  (Although I still occasionally think about #2 from my previous post and I sort of wonder what could have been or if something like that would've ever worked out if so many things had been different then they are.) But even though I'm not infatuated with anyone, I find suddenly that I feel lonely for the first time in a long time.  Maybe lonely isn't the right word - it's not like I don't like just being by myself - because I do.  I REALLY like to be able to have privacy.  However the past few days or week or so I find myself kind of wishing I had someone that songs on the radio made me think of; someone who I'd get all giddy thinking about lol....
    But I DON'T think that I really DO want that kind of relationship in my life right now... do I?  And where does meth fit in?  Because if I start seeing someone who doesn't do it - then most likely I will feel the need to hide it from them - which is dishonest and can ultimately end only in disaster.
But I don't really think it would be any better for me to end up in a relationship with someone else who does it too.  That would most likely only help to perpetuate my own addiction (as well as theirs) and only end up making it that much harder for me to let it go....

Goodbye August and Good Riddance!!!

Good riddance to the month of August!!! The whole month was rather annoying and terrible.  Filled with a whole lot of drama!  Geez!  And I'm really wishing that I could go back to the way that I was before August happened.... before I discovered the convenience of online casinos.  And before I started getting all hung up on getting hung up on people.  It was only a month a go that I was perfectly content to simply go to work and then come home and be by myself in my room and enjoy my privacy.  I didn't have any confusing or annoying feelings for anyone; wasn't all infatuated and gooey-eyed and stuck thinking about someone all the time.  And I wasn't lonely either.  I was freaking content!!  I know how much energy and head space being infatuated with someone takes, and I was actually really grateful to NOT be that way.
   BUT THEN - (enter August, stage left) - There's just been so much stupid and annoying shit that happened this month - I got ripped off by an old friend of mine who used to be so trustworthy! I'm too tired to bother with writing about it all.  So I'm just going to skip ahead to the 'man trouble' portion of this episode.
    But it wasn't just one guy that got me all f**ked up in the head - it was 3 of them - each of them kind of contributed in their own way (along with me) to the little bit of a mess that I am now.

#1 was a pretty good friend of mine who I've known for several years.  He was one of the few people who wrote me the entire time I was in prison.  We slept together a couple times this August (having slept together once before right after I got out of prison.)  I insisted I didn't want him to get too attached to me (for fear of ruining our friendship.)  But then apparently I got upset when he didn't.  Plus there's the whole added factor of his on-again off-again girlfriend who he's apparently in love with.  I got to meet said girlfriend in person one night - a night which involved a lot of everyone fighting with everyone else (there were fistfights and cops and broken glass oh my!)  That night I made sure to tell him I didn't want him to ever even look at me again let alone talk to me.  Somewhere in there after drinking more, I may have even texted him telling him something like he was the spawn of Satan... Anyway that same night, I met #2..... 

#2 was a one-night stand who's really good friends with #1.  He is also the only one of these 3 guys who doesn't use meth anymore.  (That was impressive to me - reminded me of  what I also could be strong enough to do.)  I think I was initially reciprocating the attention #2 was paying to me in order to bother #1.  Of course #1 just ended up coming up to #2 in the bar and started letting him know that I was one of the coolest chicks he's ever known and how I'm a good friend and blah blah... It was at that point that I told #1 that I didn't need a cheerleader thank you very much and to fuck off.  Anyway #2  and I had a bunch of strange funny little things in common.  He turned out to be cute, smart, and funny, and we had a total blast - before, during and after sleeping together.  Without meaning to I got a little attached (how is that possible after only spending one night with someone?!!!)  But in the end (about a week later) I ended up sending him a text message asking him please to delete my number from his phone as I was doing the same.

#3 was the guy that I was TOTALLY hung up on right before I went to prison.  He was kind of a selfish dick then and apparently he's still a selfish dick now.  He doesn't live in the same town as me, he actually lives in Phoenix, which is about an hour and a half away.  This guy just popped back into my life recently.  I still haven't seen him since before I went into prison, but as of last weekend, he made plans to come pick me up and we were supposed to go out of town for Thursday and Friday.  So I got my shifts at work covered for those days.  But only after checking with him several times to see that he was SURE he was going to make it.  He has a history of being a flake and  I didn't really want to give up a Friday night shift since it can be good money.  But he ASSURED me that he'd be here Thursday early in the morning and he'd bring some "really good shit" for me (as in dope, duh) when he came. 
So I made sure to get all shaved (by which I don't mean my legs although I did those too!)  
And I packed my pretty underwear.... 
And then of course, he stood me the fuck up.  And I was reminded just how flaky he is.  He used to do this kind of shit all the time back in the days when he and I sort of had a thing (or at least, when I had a thing.)  So I ended up sending him a text message that told him to go ahead and delete my number from his phone since I was going to do the same (this is apparently my new favorite thing to text to people.)

  Anyway, that's the condensed version of my recent man troubles.  The really condensed version.  
And like I mentioned earlier, August sucked.  Goodbye August and Good Riddance!!!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

So Is It The Guys Who Are Crazy Or Is It Me?

Aaarg!! I don't have time to really post right now.  I have to get ready for work.  But I'm so frustrated I just had to say something!  I'm tired of keeping it in and driving myself crazy with this shit!
    I'm an attractive and intelligent female.  So I try to blow it off and say "Their loss!" when guys are idiots and play games or don't call when they say they're going to (after seeming SO interested!) .
    But the truth of the matter is I have a harder time doing that than I'd like to admit.  And as I mentioned before, I don't really have time to blog right now, but here's the SHORT version:

  1.  Met this guy who I had a whole lot of ridiculous and silly things in common with.
  2. We had a great time together - lots of fun throughout the evening followed by pretty good sex. (yeah I'm         not really the one-night-stand type, but it just kind of happened.)
  3. I thought it was stupid for me to sleep with him and assumed I'd never hear from him again
  4. Then he started texting me on Tuesday "just to say hi".  
  5. Didn't hear from again until last night (Friday) when I broke down and texted him with "Hey :)  "
  6. He texted me back immediately and said hey and in the end he asked me what I was doing tomorrow (which would be today.)
  7. I replied that I work but not too late, and basically haven't heard anything from him since!!!
The stupid thing is I feel like this crazy obsessed chick who just keeps wondering WHY hasn't he gotten in touch with me again?  And REALLY,  WTF?!!! This kind of shit always seems to happen!  And I swear I'm not some crazy psycho chick but that's how I start to feel!!  Aaarg!!  Really have to get ready for work!  I guess I'll blog more later.....

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Tweaker Brain Strikes Again!

It all started with scratchers -
    Looking back a couple of weeks, I think that it might have all started with scratchers.  I love these damn little crossword puzzle scratchers you can by at Circle K.  But I suspect that the scratchers are what gave me the "casino fever."  I had some extra cash, I had dope, I was high, and I wanted to gamble.     The town I live in has 2 casinos but I've been banned for life from both of them (real stupid story that I'll share another time.)  So, the nearest place with a casino is in a nearby town about a 45 minute drive from where I live.  Not going to happen without a car.

Me and my bright ideas
    Apparently, at some point I decided it would be a good idea to try an online casino....
I haven't been able to keep my bank account in the black ever since.  I must have overdrawn it like 4 times in the last week and a half.

This is ONE DAY of my bank activity.. I've got
pages & pages online like this.

Part of the problem stems from the fact that with an online casino, I don't even have to leave my machine when I want to go get high.  I can set up a shot for myself and do it all while continually pressing the 'Spin' button on my laptop.

What Paycheck?
    Yep - pretty sure that I got my paycheck on Monday night and it was ALL GONE before the sun came up Tuesday morning.  And the whole stupid time I just kept sitting there thinking  'This is stupid.  I need to stop playing this stupid shit... Really.. this is stupid.... Dammit!'  And even when I DID actually get a lucky bonus and won $250, I was so excited that I started betting all crazy and within minutes - literally minutes I was down to $65.  And of course then I was so annoyed with myself for losing so quickly that I became determined to "win it back." (Yeah, Guess how that worked for me.)

Overdrawn again.... 
    And the stupidest part is that I can't wait to get money back into my account so that I can play some more!  This is ridiculous..... Something about gambling though, when I'm high... it's just SO much fun.  Even when I'm losing - which is often - I guess because there's the potential to win.  Yet, the times that I DO win anything substantial (like anything over $100) I can't get myself to break away and leave a casino with the money.  I can't seem to leave a casino until I have absolutely NO MONEY WHATSOEVER left.... and even then I'm trying (usually unsuccessfully) to scheme up ways to come up with even another dollar.  Geez.....   And if that's true for going to an actual casino, it's even more so for being at an online one.  Because I don't ever have to leave when my ride wants to go home - I'm already at home - with a beer in my hand and my debit card in the other...
Sheesh.  I really like to make things difficult for myself.

That's all for now, class.  Tomorrow we'll be discussing men and my ability to drink too much, and get all hypersensitive and over-analytical....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Our "Justice System" - Part 2

But Wait! There's More...
    I have a couple other "bones to pick" with our so called justice system and the laws we have in place in order to protect us from ourselves.

Now Listen Kids, Drugs Really ARE Bad...
First of all, I want to be clear - I fully support anti-meth laws and agree that it should be illegal.  (Although I do think the punishment for breaking such laws could maybe be reformed in some way that involves more therapy/rehab/etc as opposed to just dumping people in prison for a couple of years.)  That being said, there's no question that speed's some nasty shit, and even though it's a part of my life I know that I don't always want it to be; and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
There are MANY fairly obvious reasons why crystal meth is horrible - here's a few:

  1.  It causes so much physical, mental, psychological and emotional damage.  
  2. It's way too easy to become addicted to
  3. It causes people to do crazy things like accidentally leave their babies in their cars (see previous post.)
  4. Some of the things used to cut meth are chemicals that most of us would worry about getting on our skin accidentally.  (Seriously, I've gotten actual chemical burns on the back of my throat/roof of my mouth before just from the drainage that dripped down after snorting a line.)
  5. Meth tears apart relationships and families.
  6. It kills your ability to enjoy life without being on it... Nothing (playing guitar, having sex, writing, drawing, painting, cleaning, playing video games, being on the computer, etc) ever seems to be that much fun anymore or seems to be as enjoyable as it was when you were high.  This is a long-term effect that although not permanent, can take years before your brain kicks back into gear and you start enjoying all the little things again.
 So, I hope it's clear that I don't really think ANYONE would benefit from crystal meth being legal.  That's because in the long run (or even in the short run) I don't think anyone really benefits from meth, period.  
Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to continue using it for a while longer.  Isn't that crazy? My point exactly.  
    What I AM getting at is that I understand that most drugs are illegal for a freaking reason.  And I'm not just one of those people haphazardly rallying for the legalization of all drugs.  I know better.

The Littlest Law That Is Causing One Of The Biggest Problems-
Now, I have to mention this, since it's one of the things that I tend to get the most angry about:  


Rather than preventing IV drug users from using, the reality is that such laws ultimately contribute to the spreading of blood-borne pathogens like Hepatitis C and HIV.

The fact that many states here in the U.S. still make it illegal to purchase clean and sterile syringes - is not only ridiculous, but also inexcusable.  Such laws are examples of very poorly thought out and unfortunate legislation that ultimately do more bad than good.  Statutes that mandate syringes can't be purchased without a prescription are similar to parents who try to keep their teenage kids from learning about or accessing birth control in order to discourage them from having sex.  How often do you suppose that works?  Not often, I suspect.

The Right to "Safe Fix"
Just like teenagers today are encouraged to have "Safe Sex" I think that IV drug users should be able to "Safe Fix."  OK - technically there really is no such thing.  Shooting dope - whether coke or speed or heroin - is a risky and potentially dangerous act.  (However, in this day and age, having sex can be too.)  But IV drug users should at least have the option to minimize their risk.
    This is definitely a 'hot button' issue for me since I personally contracted Hepatitis C after  using someone else's syringe because I didn't have one of my own.  Sure, most of the time if I had to use a rig after someone else, I'd clean it out with bleach first (which in theory does work - check out the link on right side of the page.)
    But what about the occasions when I was getting high with someone in a place that wasn't a house and where we didn't have easy access to a bottle of bleach? (i.e. in a car, in a restaurant or gas station bathroom, etc)
    Well if you're someone desperate to get high (a factor that's increased even more if your fix is heroin and you have the added agony of being dope sick on top of  the typical feaning/jonesing/gotta-have-it desperation) then you're probably going to say fuck it and risk it.  I did - a couple of times.  Sure - I rinsed it out with water first if I could.  But I still wanted to get high and was willing in those weak moments to take the risk.  And I did it knowing that many of the people in my circle of friends had already been diagnosed with Hep C.
I'm lucky that Hepatitis C is all that I contracted and not something worse like HIV.  But the main reason myself and others end up in that kind of situation in the first place is because we didn't have clean needles to use; because they were/are hard to come by - period.   

Would It Have Mattered?
Could my exposure have been avoided if I'd had the option to simply walk into a pharmacy and purchase a package of new rigs anytime I wanted?
    It ABSOLUTELY could have been avoided.  I have no doubt in my mind.  
    Does that mean that I definitely would've avoided exposure to Hep C?  Not necessarily.  However, it would've been a lot less likely.  Not only would my chances of getting infected with Hep C have been lowered if I'd simply had easier access to clean needles on a more frequent basis; Everyone's would have been.  Which more than likely would've reduced the number people I knew who were already infected with Hep-C in the first place -- further reducing my own risk of exposure.  
    But it didn't.
    And I did.

    And I know that the final blame still rests with me.  The fault was no one's but my own.  I knew the risk involved but chose to do it anyway.  And now I've got to live with the consequences of my decisions.    
    As does anybody else who chose to use a needle after' I'd used it.
    And anyone who said "fuck it" and used that person's needle... and so on and so on....

WTF Is It Going To Take For This To Change?
    Why is this STILL a legal issue?  People have been using IV drugs recreationally for decades now.  So WHY hasn't this been addressed?  I think it should be fairly obvious that such statutes haven't had any impact on discouraging  actual drug use; and have actually increased the amount of risk IV drug users submit themselves to.  So there's an example of the government thinking that it knows what's best for everyone without being informed and botching up the job of trying to protect us from ourselves.

(*P.S. - Please make sure to select your answer to the poll on the right side of this page!*)

Alcohol Is Totally Fine But Keep That Evil, Crazy Pot Away From Me!! - 
Ok so I've got this one last thing to bitch about and then I'll wrap it up.  I honestly think that it's nothing short of ridiculous that our country considers pot smokers "criminals."  And this is not just personal bias speaking here, I'm not a pot smoker.  I used to be years ago, and every once in a while (like maybe once or twice a year) I take a hit or two if I'm in the mood.  But to lump people who smoke marijuana in the same category as tweakers, heroin junkies, crackheads and cokeheads just doesn't make sense.
    I don't really see any real logic in taxpayers paying thousands of dollars for "potheads" to be in prison for a year or two or three...  Seriously, what is it exactly that people are afraid of when it comes to marijuana?  God forbid someone gets stoned and eats an entire bag of Cheetos to themselves ("Oh! The horror!!")
    Meanwhile, being drunk - whether you're the life of the party or angry and violent - is perfectly legal?
    I don't know about anyone else, but I've had more than a few nights where after drinking I woke up the next day and was like "Oh God....[insert appropriate expression from below]"
     A. Why did I get so mad at [friend/significant other] for NO reason at all?
     B. Where am I and where's my ride/car keys/friends?
     C. Wait a minute, did me and so and so sleep together?
     D. Oh God - I can't believe I slept with (blank)... (did we use protection?)
     E. Whose puke is that is that?
     F. Oh no!  I can't believe I called (blank) at 3 in the morning!
     G. Wait a minute, did I DRIVE home?

(You get the idea and probably have your own) 

    All I'm  trying to point out here is that in the dysfunctional family that is "mind-altering substances," marijuana comes off looking like 'the good son' ; whereas alcohol is the troubled teen that keeps getting sent away to military camp and boarding school.  And it makes no real sense for us to continue wasting resources like tax dollars and man-hours on the fight against marijuana - when marijuana really looks like a gentle pussycat in comparison to the craziness, recklessness and hazards presented by alcohol.  This is an old argument - so I won't keep going on and on with things everyone's already heard a 1000 times before.

I'll just say this: When I was 15 this guy that I knew, Eric Moore died of alcohol poisoning after drinking too much Irish Whiskey on St. Patrick's Day.  He was 17 years old.
    I have yet to hear about someone overdosing & dying from smoking too much pot.

All right I'll wrap it up.... As always, feel free to comment.  I value other people's input and my blog is set up so that anyone - even anonymous users who wish to remain that way - can leave comments.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Prison Flashbacks & Our "Justice System" - Part 1

    Well, happy birthday to me - I turned 31 last Saturday (July 30.)  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It's just that it still sounds so old to me.... 31 ... 31.....I'm in my thirties!  I never really got a chance to thoroughly adjust to turning 30 since I was in prison for that birthday (and by adjust I mean drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol.)   It's kind of weird when I think about how this time last year I was still in prison and had another 3+ months to go.  So it's only been 9 months since I got out... For some reason it feels like it's been MUCH longer.

My Life In Orange --
    That was an entirely different life -- my life in orange (orange orange orange I REALLY f**king hate the color orange now!) Every goddamn article of clothing you get is freaking orange.  And EVERYWHERE you look there's another group of girls also dressed in orange.  Some days I felt like if I had to look at one more person in orange I was going to throw up.
    And God!  All of the stupid bullshit there! No privacy EVER...  (communal showers, communal bathrooms.)  Never being allowed to sleep in (beds had to be made by 7:30 am - although we could still lay on top of our beds as long as we weren't covered with anything.)  Eating the SAME stupid meals in the same stupid order every 6 weeks.  Lights out at 8:30pm  (a curfew which is rivaled by most 4th graders.) No one allowed outside after that, no more taking showers, or leaving your area (except to go to the bathroom.) And working my ass off  in a cabbage field in the hot sun everyday for 50 cents a freaking hour!  Only so I could come back home from work and then have to wait in a big line with all the other girls returning from various jobs; all of us waiting for our turn in the "Strip Shack."

The Strip Shack -
    The Strip Shack was was a big shed we all had to pass through when we'd come back to the yard after work.  Inside we got to line up, 9 girls at a time, and all of us take off every article of clothing we had (make sure to shake it out good so the female officer in the shack with you can see that you're not trying to hide anything in the folds or pockets of your clothing.)  Then we got to wait our turn as one by one, the officer would go down the line and have each of us bend forward at the waist while we spread our butt cheeks and give a nice healthy cough.  The theory of course is that any machetes or bombs or random sports equipment we'd magically acquired (and then hidden in our hoo-hahs) would fall out of us when we coughed.  

    Ok - it's terrible that I'm here on the outs bitching about it while my good friend Jen is still in there for another 2 & a half years and I haven't even written her a letter in the past month.  God I'm fucking selfish.  And if she knew that I was back up to my old tricks, she'd be SO disappointed in me.

Jen - 
I met Jen while I was in prison and the hardest most bittersweet thing about getting out of prison was the guilt I felt at having to leave her behind.
    She's one of the most beautiful, kindest, and strongest people that I know.  She really got screwed.  The 7 and a half year sentence she received for basically stealing a car doesn't seem just at all.  I mean, she'll be the first person to admit that she was messed up (she was also a tweaker) and that she deserved consequences.  But 7 and a half years is ridiculous.  She and I were both in there with other girls who were serving less time for MUCH worse crimes.  Case in point is this girl, Rendi who only served 6 & 1/2 years for manslaughter.
    Jen basically stole some guy's car from 7-11 where he'd left it running with the keys in the ignition.  But while she was taking off with his car he tried to run out and stop her and grabbed a hold of one of the doors.  But she sped off, knocking him down in the process.  It's not like she ran him over or anything, his "injuries" (or lack thereof) didn't require medical attention.  But because of that factor, she was convicted of Aggravated Assault and got 7.5!

Money may not buy you love, but it will buy you a lawyer - 
Such bullshit too - Jen almost surely would've gotten a  better plea bargain and a lighter sentence if she'd been able to afford a real lawyer instead of just the "Public Pretender" that the court appointed her.  The system is really screwy like that.  It's not based so much on justice (the words 'justice system' are laughable) as it is based on money.
    For instance, as I mentioned, earlier there was another girl on our yard, Rendi, who accidentally killed her baby when she left him in the car all day.  This was in Phoenix - which for those who don't know is like hell with freeways.  Average summer temps are in the 100's (in degrees Fahrenheit.  The 40's in degrees Celsius.)  Anyway Rendi's baby died because she went to a friend's house to get high, and then forgot that the baby was in the car.  She got convicted of manslaughter but only had to do 6 & a half years.  All because her dad shelled out thousands of dollars for her to have a lawyer.  .
    So just to recap my thoughts:   Justice System = A Bunch of Bullshit Based Mostly On $$$.
(There are many other reasons that I've come to that conclusion, but I don't really feel like going into them right now.)

****Just a note - The original ending of this is now its own post.  When I edited this post, I decided to break off the last part of it and make it into a separate post (the next post) since I'd added so much to it.****

Thursday, July 28, 2011

New Needles! And A Little Injection Education

    Once again I find that I have to thank the freaking almighty 'forces that be' that I was able to get a new pack of syringes.  Now that I've finally found a place that I can buy needles from regularly (a challenge in itself but I'll talk more about that tomorrow) I find that I'm still faced with the problem of being able to get there.  Obviously I can't ask my mom, who usually gives me rides to and from work, to just stop real quick so I can run in and buy a pack of syringes!  
    It really sucked this last week because I had a fairly nice amount of dope that I bought, but my needles were shit.  I seriously have so many bruises all over my body from trying to hit myself with dull needles.  Plus there's always the added scare factor of the needles being dirty; contaminated with tiny bacteria that I can't see because they're no longer sterile.  And that of course is what leads to infections and/or abscesses.  Of course, sometimes just "missing" a shot can give you an abscess too.  
    Which brings me to something I learned after doing some research recently.  I learned that when you miss a shot, you should apply heat as soon as possible.  This was news to me since in the past I've always applied ice the injection site,  to reduce the swelling that occurs.  But apparently, even though ice will help minimize swelling, it's heat that will help your body to absorb the missed fluid quicker.  And you want that shot absorbed as quick as possible so that the fluid is not just sitting in the tissues, which leads to abscesses.  Applying heat also speeds up circulation, which in turn speeds up healing as well as infection-fighting potential.  Many sites recommend the use of a heating pad or a hot compress (seriously? who has a hot compress just hanging around the house?  I just use a really hot towel or washcloth.)     
    Of course preventative care is always good to.  It never hurts to wash hands and injection site before doing your shot.  (Honestly I'll admit I only do that about half of the time although I'm trying to be better about it.)  Anyway - preventative washing or not - it sure a lot easier on my poor veins to have a nice new rig that is not only clean and sterile but also sharp (hallelujah!) so that I can hit my veins on the first try.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Welcome Back Jack And Other Thoughts

Well the day after my last post -- I ended up wasting an entire day waiting for my friend Scott to bring me something.   First he said that he'd have to do it on his way to work so I'd have to be up and ready to meet him by 6:45 in the morning.  Of course it didn't matter that I made sure to be ready since HE didn't even wake up until 10:30 in the morning. (So he had to go straight to work)  
    Then he was supposed to meet me around 1:30 and something else happened which also ended up not happening.  After that he called me around close to 3:00 and said that he was going to run an errand for work in about 20 minutes so he'd swing by (nope never did.)
    After that he SWORE that he was going to bring it to me at work.  But while I was there I didn't hear from him and I couldn't get a hold of him.  Finally  he called me shortly before I was finished at work and said he'd be there in 15...... 20 minutes later I got a text saying that his car wouldn't start....Keep in mind that this was all for a freaking 10 sack!!   
    So after all that, I was fucking frustrated, pissed off and fed up and I'd had enough.  I was sick of dealing with all of these crappy flaky people.  When I got home from work I sent Jack a long and apologetic text asking him if he could ever forgive me (for doing nothing but I didn't say that part.) And the next day (yesterday) I met up with Jack again and thank freaking God for that.  I got a decent bag of decent shit for a decent price.  
   Of course, I'm not completely oblivious to the fact that the last few days prior to getting back in sync with Jack were the longest I've been clean in MONTHS.  That's kind of scary and the thought DID cross my mind that since I'd already had almost 3 days clean that maybe I should just suck it up and continue to ride the wave and just not get anymore shit.  Of course I quickly dismissed such a reasonable and constructive idea. (I just chocked up that crazy "rational thinking" to the chemical imbalance my brain was suffering due to going 3 days without using.)
    Seriously though, I was looking back over some of my earlier blogs from when I was still on parole and JUST starting to do meth a lot again.  And in one I mention that "it's been a few weeks now since I've gone longer than a day or two without getting high."    Then I go on to say "I have to come down eventually and stay that way for a while......This is not a path I want to keep walking down."
   It's weird how quickly I've shifted out of that cautious mentality and completely back into full-on tweaker mode.  I mean back then I was at least still pretending everyday that it was going to be the last last day that I would do any shit and then I was going to quit again (Yeah - see how well that worked for me?)  
    Shit - I was only smoking it at the time too.  I hadn't used a needle since before I went to prison in 2009.  Now needles are the ONLY way I do it..  I don't even have a pipe.... And when I look back at my previous entries, it's weird because I can see exactly when that changed and how quickly it did.
    I leave off in March talking about how the way I'd really like to do the dope I had left would be to shoot it.  But I didn't have any rigs, and I say something about how that's OK because I don't want to open up that whole can of worms blah blah blah.... Then in my very next entry (which isn't until a month later) I talked about how I'd just gotten another pack of new syringes because the needles I'd been using were so freaking dull that I was bruising the crap out of myself.  
     So.... this is all rather disconcerting.  The craziest part about it is that it seems like that was a LONG time ago - but really it was only 4 months.  
    So what?  What does this all mean?  I have no freaking idea.  No - really it means that I need to come up with some sort of plan soon.  Otherwise I'll stay here in my 'Gee-it's-too-bad-that-I'm-a-tweaker-and-not-doing-anything-with-my-life-but-it's-ok-for-now-as-long-as-I'm-high'  mode.  (That's an official psychiatric term, I swear.) 
    What kind of plan?  I don't know..... That's my main problem really; that I don't know what it is that I want anymore so I instead just don't do anything.  I don't know - I probably need to set some sort of short term goals for myself I guess.  The last goal I set for myself was to get a job, and that went pretty well.  I just don't know what..... Ok - so my FIRST goal is I'm going to give myself 1 week to establish a goal for myself - I have NO idea what.  But it will have to be something constructive that will ultimately contribute to improving my life.
    Ok - so I realize this is all kind of cheezy but so what?  I'm cheezy... and I've got to do something different than the same tweaker/wasting my life away bullshit that I've done for the past few years.  
(Easy for me to say right now because I know that I've still got a bag of dope.)  

Monday, July 18, 2011

The F**king Waiting Game

Hurry up and fucking WAIT WAIT WAIT so that I can pay someone for some CRAP CRAP CRAP...

OK, so here's a quick update:  A few weeks ago, Jack, who was my best and most reliable connect got mad at me.  It went something like this:

          I only had $20 to spend on shit, but my friend Brett had $80 he wanted to invest.  So at about 10 a.m. I sent Jack a text message.   It said something along the lines of   'Hey there Jackie! I've got about 80 to 100 reasons why you should come into town! Call or text me ASAP!'

          Most of the day went by with no word from Jack.  I text him again, and tried calling and eventually my friend Brett decided to invest his money elsewhere.
          Around 5:30 that evening Jack texts me and lets me know he's almost in my area and that he's going to stop by in a few -which he did.  We drove to this dead-end  street we go to sometimes, where I bought a twenty from Jack and he smoked a bowl with me.  We chatted for a bit, then he dropped me off by my house and left.
          Unbeknownst to me, Jack was apparently furious that I'd only bought a 20 when he thought it was going to be more like 80 or 100.  Of course, never once did Jack ask me if 80 to 100 was still what I wanted.  In fact he didn't speak of or attempt to confirm ANY sort of dollar amount with me.
He didn't even bring up the text message I'd sent him.....If he had I would've politely explained to him that in the SEVEN HOURS that it took for him to respond to me, my friend -who'd been the main financial backer for this business arrangement - had made other plans.

    But Jack never mentioned anything to me, I had no idea that he was mad, and when he left, I was still completely unaware that there was even a problem between us.

    Well Jack was mad.  Jack  is mad and consequentially he's apparently not dealing to me anymore.  And although I really hate to admit it, that totally sucks.  He was fairly reliable, always had decent shit, charged me reasonable rates, and not to mention the fact that he would deliver.  I still owe the state of Arizona $5,000 in old fines before I can get my license again.  Being without a car or license it's hard for me to meet up with people.  And my house (or rather, my parents' house) is way back in this little suburban housing development and is 3 miles away from even the nearest Circle K.
So without Jack to turn to I find myself having to go back to the old game of spending 5,000 hours just trying to find someone who has anything.  Then once I do I get to spend an additional day or two trying to meet up with them (or waiting for them to meet up with me.)

I HATE THE FUCKING WAITING GAMES!!!  I'm spending literally hours each day just trying to track down crappy 20 bags.  Usually those 20 bags turn out to look more like 10 bags by the time they get to me, and it takes me ten times longer to obtain them then it does to do them.  Then I get to start ALL OVER again the next day.
    I really miss Jack.  And after suffering through a couple weeks of frustration I'm wondering if I should just suck it up and call him and apologize (even though I don't feel that I did anything wrong.)  It would be an insincere apology and I would just be kissing his ass in order to get him to start dealing with me again.  I don't know though.... I mean I do have some pride.  And even if I do apologize/kiss his ass/etc it doesn't necessarily mean that he'll start doing "business" with me again.

I don't know.  Bottom line is now I'm back to playing these stupid hurry up and wait games with wannabe dealers and/or people who know someone who knows someone whose heard of someone that might have something....    AARG!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'll Take Stupid Tweaker Tricks For 500 Please Alex

     I was just reading a post on Princess Addiction's blog  which got me thinking about something that happened a few years back; something that resulted in me accidentally 'outing' myself as a tweaker to a complete stranger. 
     I'd just done an issue at my friend Serena's house.  However I'd had trouble finding a vein and  due to my multiple unsuccessful pokes combined with the fact that sometimes I'm a bleeder - I ended up with some dried blood in the crook of my arm.  Well I was pretty high and a little sleep deprived.  And before I could remember to wash the dried blood off of my arm, I was apparently distracted by some incredibly interesting and  probably meaningless task. 
    A little bit later in the spirit of drug-inspired spontaneity Serena and decided to walk down to the Dollar Store and the nearby Salvation Army.  We'd put on jackets before we left so my bloody arm was now hidden as well as forgotten. 
    Well when we got to the Salvation Army, they had the heat turned up to like 500 degrees. So I absentmindedly took off my jacket and kind of carried it around draped over my arm.  I was still oblivious at this point and although the jacket was hiding the blood on my arm that was purely by accident.  So I went to the cashier (Some 40 year old guy with a long brown ponytail, glasses, and a smoker's cough) to buy the $3 CD I found.  I had to transfer my jacket to my other arm so that I could dig into my right jeans pocket for my money. 
    It wasn't until I held out the $3 to him  that I was horrified to see my blood-crusted arm screaming for attention as it stretched out all on display between he and I.  The blood was kind of crusted/smeared right there on the crook of my arm - the universal shooting-up spot.  He saw it (you couldn't really miss it) and he sort of shook his head and said "Okay then" as he took my money.  Then he proceeded to glare disapprovingly over the top of his glasses at me while he    S *L *O *W *L *Y    got my change for me.  He just held my gaze the whole time and then at the end of our transaction he kind of snorted and said "Okay..." again. 
    I laugh when I think about it NOW. At the time though I got ALL SORTS of freaked out... and paranoid, lol.  I dragged Serena out of the store in a panick and forced her to practically run with me all the way back to her house.  Looking over my shoulder the whole way for the whole way for the cop cars and helicopters  I was sure were coming after us..... 

P.S    To "all" my readers (all 4 of you lol) I'm now on Facebook  ("Ooohhh"  "Aaaah") 
So go ahead and  visit me there if you're so inclined.... Feel free to add me as a friend., or post on my wall and/or whatnot....

Monday, July 4, 2011

Near-Death Experience of a Cat

    Ok, so on a completely un-meth related topic, my cat almost got eaten by a coyote the night before last!!  When the doorbell rang it was 11pm so I was thinking that it was weird for anyone to stop by so late.  Then I heard someone say the words " cat.." and the first thought I had was that someone had accidentally run over my cat with their car.  I bolted to the front door just as my mom was running inside to get me.
     My cat was sitting where the coyotes had dropped him but he was freaking out and growling at everybody and not letting anyone get close to him.  The neighbor lady and her husband were pointing to the other side of the road (which was too dark to see anything) and she was saying that the coyotes were still there.  I just swooped up my cat quickly and he clung to me shaking and twitching and panting heavily.
    I spent the rest of that night freaking out and crying a lot and trying to soothe my sweet cat.  He was walking funny and had blood in his mouth (I never DID figure out what that blood was from) and he was breathing hard for hours.  He didn't want ANYONE to touch him (which is weird because he's normally a super-affectionate cat) and he crawled/wobbled away into the spare bedroom and went to the back of the closet to lay down.  I was terrified he was trying to be alone so that he could die.
    I had no idea what kind of damage the coyotes had done.  I only knew that they hadn't had him long.  Our Super Awesome Next Door Neighbor (who I learned that night is named Gayle) I think that she was in bed already when she heard the scuffling of some animals by her window and said she KNEW for some reason that it was coyotes chasing after a cat.  So basically, she bolted out of bed and ran outside (By then she said she'd heard my cat screech once so she knew for sure what was happening.) 
   When she opened her door she saw two coyotes - a large one and a smaller one - running away; the smaller coyote had my cat in its mouth.   Gayle actually chased after the coytes shouting and clapping her hands.  Thankfully this startled the coyotes and they dropped Frankie and ran to the other side of the road  (Just out of the visibility of the streetlight.). Then I guess they just waited over there and watched to see what Gayle would do.  She was afraid to leave my cat because she knew the coyotes would run back over and just grab him again.  Luckily she had made enough ruckus that her husband came outside and she had him stand guard between my cat and the coyotes while she went to ring our doorbell and see if he was ours. 
     For the entire night afterwards my cat was displaying signs of being in shock.  He's 11 & 1/2 years old and so I was worried because shock can often be fatal to cats.  Sometimes after surviving a traumatic and/or stressful experience the physical effects of shock that follow can end up killing the cat.  ( Read more about that here. )
    By the next morning though he was responding a little more to me and even faintly purring when I'd gently stroke him.  A trip to the vet and it turns out he escaped with only two small puncture wounds and a lot of soreness.  He's my little miracle.  After this I've decided that he's going to have to become an indoor cat from now on.  I don't know how he's going to like that - but this was too close of a call. 
   After doing some research I learned that May-August is the time of year when coyotes are rearing their pups.  So there is an increased and more desperate need to find food for both the adult coyotes as well as the quickly-growing pups.  I suspect that if it had only been one coyote, Frankie would've been able to hold his own and probably would've gotten away.  However it's probably likely that the second coyote surprised him and/or helped distract him while the other one got close enough to grab him. 
     Either way, I think he probably used up at least 2 or 3 of his 9 lives.   I'm just so grateful he survived.  I would've been heartbroken to have lost him. 
On that note I'd better sign off and get my ass to bed. 

      I've really got to start going to bed before there's light starting to show in the sky... (sigh)
Below are a couple of  videos involving cats vs coyotes.  The first one has a happy ending (for the cat) and in the second one I believe the cat is already dead. 
   In the first video you can see how the two coyotes are kind of working together in the way that one coyote is quite obviously trying to keep the cat distracted while the other approaches (albeit slowly) from behind. 
   The second video is just to demonstrate how easily a coyote can scale a wall.  That video took place in Scottsdale, AZ which surprised me because Scottsdale is a pretty urban area... and note the ease with which the coyote jumps the wall.

First video: (happy ending)

Second video (cat appears to be already dead)  :

(And by the way, for that last video I'd like to know who the freaking asshole is that just sits idly by and videotapes a coyote killing/taking away his or his neighbor's pet!!!!)

Friday, June 24, 2011

Missing The Vein

(Also check out my whole page on missing the vein )

 Yesterday when I was shooting, I guess I accidentally moved the needle before I was done injecting.  Consequentially I ended up "missing" part of the shot.  For anyone who's not familiar, missing is when you're shooting up and you push down on the plunger to inject and discover that the needle isn't all the way in the vein.  (Or in my case my hand moved a little so the needle came out while I was injecting.)  This can hurt a lot (burns like hell!) and also results in a weird lump at the injection site and sometimes can be accompanied with swelling.
   Luckily, I only fell out of the vein at the end of my shot, so I didn't miss the whole thing.  Since I've been on this sort of picture taking kick lately I took a couple of pictures:

 (Click on either picture to see larger version)

Meth Injection - Small Bump From Missing My Vein

Meth Injection - Partially Missed Vein And An Old Scar

If I would've missed the whole shot it would've been a lot bigger lump and my arm might have even swelled up a little.  I know in these pictures my forearm LOOKS like it's sort of swollen, but it's actually not.  For some reason my webcam sort of does this fish eye thing when I put something too close to it.  But anyway I'm always really careful about pushing down slowly on the plunger of the syringe when I'm injecting.  That way if I'm missing I'll feel a littel burning right away and won't end up doing the whole thing.  Ok, that's all for now.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Easier Veins = Bruised Boobs

So lately I've turned to using the veins in my boobs for shooting.  They're easy to see, and they're not all tough and scarred like a lot of the ones in my arms.  So even when my needle's duller than I'd like, I don't have to sit there and poke myself OVER and OVER trying to get in the vein.  Of course, those veins aren't exactly used to that kind of abuse - and they bruise easily. 
Which has resulted in my boobs looking like this:

Bruised Boobs From Needle Use

It's really pretty gross, I realize.  Thank god there's no chance of anyone seeing me naked anytime soon.  I've got pretty nice boobs normally so to do this to them is a bit of a disgrace and everytime I see them in a mirror I'm kind of annoyed with myself.  I can't imagine what anyone else's reaction would be - they'd probably be pretty disgusted I guess.  Unless of course they'd ever been a slammer too - then maybe they'd understand.
   I guess that's all I've got to say.  Except I'll throw it out there that I'm thinking that it's getting more and more important that I quit tweaking soon.
    I know I've said it at least a few times before.
    I really mean it though.
    I always mean it.

   Is anybody reading this blog????

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Old Friends, Free Dope, and Unwise Spending

So I'm hanging out with and old friend of mine right now - Jim - talking my freaking ear off!!! He called me tonight and asked me if I wanted to come out to Timbuktu* and 'party' which I knew meant he'd get me high.  I haven't seen ol' Jim since before I went to prison and I didn't have any shit so I said OK.  Jim was always a real cool old guy - lives in his little trailer - gets disability and makes money on the said scrapping stuff and selling all his random shit on Craigslist.
    My job at Garcia's is going OK - as far as jobs go. 
    It's money - or it WOULD  be money except for the fact that I keep spending about $20/day on dope.  I do that about 4 or 5 times a week and well.... add that up and it ends up being kind of depressing.... I'm supposed to be saving money and paying off my fines so that I can get my license back.  So I feel guilty because I also should be helping out my mom and stepdad with their bills -at least a little bit.  But freaking tweakers are selfish and I'm no exception to that rule.  I'm just as selfish as the next tweaker, but I'm honest.... for the most part.  I'm not one of those tweakers who'll steal your dope from you and then help you look for it.  In fact, I don't steal from anybody period..... But if you leave your pipe in front of me and it's got dope in it, I'll probably take a few hits without your permission...but I'll tell you that I did it after the fact LOL..
   Ok, on that note I'll wrap this up... Sometime here within the next few days I'm going to post a blog with all of the details on how to pass a UA (but it will only work with meth.)  If anyone has any questions or has any specific details that they want to make sure I include when I write that blog, let me know!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

My Mute Readers? (Plus My Good News)

    So, I see from my blog statistics and Google Analytics that I've had quite a few readers now, but no comments.  WHY NO COMMENTS? 
   I realize this blog is random babbling at best.   Still I'm just self-centered enough to want to hear your opinions and/or suggestions about it.  PLEASE FEEL FREE to leave me comments!  I've set up my blog so that anyone can leave me comments anonymously - you don't have to sign up for anything or leave your real name.  I'd lilke to hear your thoughts.  I'm really curious what kind of people are reading this blog and what your thoughts are. 
   Or do you have  ANY QUESTIONS? About meth, meth use, or me?  (Or, if you want to know something that you're afraid to ask anywhere else....)
   ASK ME.  
  TALK to me people.  Give me a little feedback.

What (if anything) do you like about my blog? 
What do you dislike?
If you can relate to something I say or have a similar experience to share I'd like to hear it!!! What would you like to hear more/less about? 

I just wanted to put that out there.  That's all for now.  I hope to hear from some of you.....   

Wait, what am I saying? That's not all!  I almost forgot my good news!  Shortly after I posted yesterday about being sick of crap and still not having a job... I got a callback from the manager of a mexican food restaurant I applied at recently.  I got hired and I start today (this evening actually)  Hooray! Looks like I'm going back to the glamour and glitter of waiting tables again LOL.  But hey, any job is better than no job right now. 
    Of course that being said I really need to go to sleep soon,  for at least a few hours.  I don't want to start my first day at a new job on no sleep.  And damn it all because it's already 7am and I've been up all night -- which is funny considering how unimpressed I was with the dope Bob and I got last night.  Guess it was better than I realized.  I don't know, tweak can be like that sometimes; you do some and don't quite feel spun out or high - but then you spend the next four hours taking apart your roommate's toaster....

Friday, May 13, 2011

Same Old Shit...

Same old shit.... I am still up to my old tricks.  I am really getting sick of all this crap though.  Originally when I started this blog, I was still at a point where I felt I could do some meth and then leave it alone for a while.  But now I want it everyday.  It's really stupid, because I knew that's what would happen......  On a lighter note, I sure have put in a lot of hours on
    Not exactly super-productive. 

Friday, April 22, 2011

Slacker With No Dough.

    I am officially broke now... have blown through the last of my tax return.  This finally inspired me, at the very last minute, to submit my STATE tax information since I'm getting $47 back on that (hooray.) As soon as that's deposited into my account, I'm certain that I'll be able to disappoint myself  (and my mom) by promptly wasting it on beer and drugs.  Though, my mom doesn't actually know that I've been spending my money on drugs too, I'm also beginning to think that she at least suspects that I'm back up to my old tricks.  I keep catching her looking at my arms and I think she's trying to casually ascertain whether or not I've got bruises or track marks (which I do.)  Plus, she's not stupid, and she and I are so close that I think somewhere in the back of her head she kind of has that thought floating around but is trying not to pay attention to it.
    Something that really bothers me is that even though I tell my mom pretty much everything, I can't tell her about this.  So then it's basically like I'm hiding stuff from her.  And since there's a whole lifestyle that comes along with doing meth, I end up not telling her quite a bit.  There's certain friends who she knows I used to get high with so I can't mention them.  And I can't ever tell her what it is I REALLY did last night (drove out to the damn boonies to pick up.)  And now that I'm back at her and Bill's house, I have to go through this whole song and dance in the morning like I just woke up (*yawn* "gee I slept really good last night!")
     All this need for dishonesty and all of these 'omissions of truth' have the end result of me just talking to her less in general.  And there are times when I'm over at Bob's or somewhere else and she'll call my cell but I've been up all night and feel kinda tired and/or fucked up and a little to "out of it" to talk to her.  So I just don't answer the phone.  She has lately started remarking - somewhat jokingly - that I'm a really hard person to get a hold of.  It's a bunch of dishonest bullshit that I'm not crazy about but I still do it because I want to be able to keep my life as it is now.  I would most likely be asked to leave or go to a halfway house if she or my stepdad learned that I'm back to doing meth.  Plus, I know how much she worries about me when she knows I'm using, and I know how much I've put her through so there's a part of me that wants her to not have to be stressed out and worried about me....  She already had to visit me in prison.  And Bill, my stepdad stresses her out enough for 10 people - ahh yes, my stepdad is a total douche.  But that's another story...... 
    Oh! I almost forgot! My big exciting thing - according to Google Analytics, I've actually had a couple visitors to this site that weren't me!  That's kind of cool I guess and for at least a couple of minutes I enjoyed the gratification of having an elevated (even if undeserved) sense of importance.  So thank you very much, to my 3 visitors from Canada, San Francisco, and Australia.  Which reminds me that eventually here I'm going to have to change the way my blog looks.  I know that the visual presentation of this blog  leaves much to be desired.  I'm not too crazy about my rambling profile entry and the whole scheme in general (with the exception of the colors which I like)  However, since I've never been good with that sort of thing (that whole visual art thing) I'll procrastinate doing it for now... but someday....eventually....
     For now I'm just going to try to make some constructive choices.  So I'm setting a goal for myself that by this time next month, I will at least have a job.  Of course that means I'll have to start looking a lot more seriously for one - damn.