Friday, April 22, 2011

Slacker With No Dough.

    I am officially broke now... have blown through the last of my tax return.  This finally inspired me, at the very last minute, to submit my STATE tax information since I'm getting $47 back on that (hooray.) As soon as that's deposited into my account, I'm certain that I'll be able to disappoint myself  (and my mom) by promptly wasting it on beer and drugs.  Though, my mom doesn't actually know that I've been spending my money on drugs too, I'm also beginning to think that she at least suspects that I'm back up to my old tricks.  I keep catching her looking at my arms and I think she's trying to casually ascertain whether or not I've got bruises or track marks (which I do.)  Plus, she's not stupid, and she and I are so close that I think somewhere in the back of her head she kind of has that thought floating around but is trying not to pay attention to it.
    Something that really bothers me is that even though I tell my mom pretty much everything, I can't tell her about this.  So then it's basically like I'm hiding stuff from her.  And since there's a whole lifestyle that comes along with doing meth, I end up not telling her quite a bit.  There's certain friends who she knows I used to get high with so I can't mention them.  And I can't ever tell her what it is I REALLY did last night (drove out to the damn boonies to pick up.)  And now that I'm back at her and Bill's house, I have to go through this whole song and dance in the morning like I just woke up (*yawn* "gee I slept really good last night!")
     All this need for dishonesty and all of these 'omissions of truth' have the end result of me just talking to her less in general.  And there are times when I'm over at Bob's or somewhere else and she'll call my cell but I've been up all night and feel kinda tired and/or fucked up and a little to "out of it" to talk to her.  So I just don't answer the phone.  She has lately started remarking - somewhat jokingly - that I'm a really hard person to get a hold of.  It's a bunch of dishonest bullshit that I'm not crazy about but I still do it because I want to be able to keep my life as it is now.  I would most likely be asked to leave or go to a halfway house if she or my stepdad learned that I'm back to doing meth.  Plus, I know how much she worries about me when she knows I'm using, and I know how much I've put her through so there's a part of me that wants her to not have to be stressed out and worried about me....  She already had to visit me in prison.  And Bill, my stepdad stresses her out enough for 10 people - ahh yes, my stepdad is a total douche.  But that's another story...... 
    Oh! I almost forgot! My big exciting thing - according to Google Analytics, I've actually had a couple visitors to this site that weren't me!  That's kind of cool I guess and for at least a couple of minutes I enjoyed the gratification of having an elevated (even if undeserved) sense of importance.  So thank you very much, to my 3 visitors from Canada, San Francisco, and Australia.  Which reminds me that eventually here I'm going to have to change the way my blog looks.  I know that the visual presentation of this blog  leaves much to be desired.  I'm not too crazy about my rambling profile entry and the whole scheme in general (with the exception of the colors which I like)  However, since I've never been good with that sort of thing (that whole visual art thing) I'll procrastinate doing it for now... but someday....eventually....
     For now I'm just going to try to make some constructive choices.  So I'm setting a goal for myself that by this time next month, I will at least have a job.  Of course that means I'll have to start looking a lot more seriously for one - damn.

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