Friday, May 2, 2014

Exhausted.... Frankie and Fighting


So just a short entry this time.... I found out just last week that my sweet loving little cat, Frankie has cancer. I am heartbroken and feeling helpless because he has a tumor that the vet says isn't really removable at his age... It is on his one of his back legs and I'm so sad because he just limps around now and it breaks my heart. I've always been able before to fix him by taking him to the vet and this is the first time that I can't do anything for him. I can barely afford his pain medication, (but thankfully my mom came through and paid for it.) Let alone the cytology lab work that I want to have done where they'll analyze the sample of tissue that they did a biopsy of and be able to tell what kind of cancer he has. The reason that's even important at all is that way the vet will know if there's any way to possibly slow the cancer down. I'm exhausted from crying over what I feel is more or less a death sentence for my closest and sweetest, dear companion. 15 years I've had Frankie with me.... I'm 33 years old today, so that's damn near half my life. So.. I'm crying now and need to change subjects...


The other main thing going on now has just been the constant turmoil and fighting, screaming, yelling, hating and tormenting that is the relationship that I now have with Jeff. I am SO exhausted from fighting with him... and fighting and fighting.... I remember a blog not so very long ago where he swooped in and was my knight in shining t-shirt after the fire. And I remember how good and amazing a man I thought he was. And what has happened to that man? I'm so very tired of the man I am with now. He is so completely different and selfish and incredibly self-centered and ARROGANT.... granted I haven't been the perfect girlfriend. And I know that I too have changed. But I still feel like I act more out of love than out of hate and I don't feel that he does the same... I also blame heroin for a lot of his selfish behavior now... I always said I would NEVER date someone who used heroin and I broke that rule for him... and now.. do I regret all this time with him? No. But I feel as if I'm in another DOOMED relationship and I'm so angry at him for leading me to think that he was different... and that he might be the guy who I could spend the rest of my life with (and I really thought that! I don't just think that with every guy.)

Anyway today has been another day of ruthless, angry, hateful below the belt fighting.... and as I might have mentioned, I'm exhausted. :-(