Saturday, August 27, 2011

So Is It The Guys Who Are Crazy Or Is It Me?

Aaarg!! I don't have time to really post right now.  I have to get ready for work.  But I'm so frustrated I just had to say something!  I'm tired of keeping it in and driving myself crazy with this shit!
    I'm an attractive and intelligent female.  So I try to blow it off and say "Their loss!" when guys are idiots and play games or don't call when they say they're going to (after seeming SO interested!) .
    But the truth of the matter is I have a harder time doing that than I'd like to admit.  And as I mentioned before, I don't really have time to blog right now, but here's the SHORT version:

  1.  Met this guy who I had a whole lot of ridiculous and silly things in common with.
  2. We had a great time together - lots of fun throughout the evening followed by pretty good sex. (yeah I'm         not really the one-night-stand type, but it just kind of happened.)
  3. I thought it was stupid for me to sleep with him and assumed I'd never hear from him again
  4. Then he started texting me on Tuesday "just to say hi".  
  5. Didn't hear from again until last night (Friday) when I broke down and texted him with "Hey :)  "
  6. He texted me back immediately and said hey and in the end he asked me what I was doing tomorrow (which would be today.)
  7. I replied that I work but not too late, and basically haven't heard anything from him since!!!
The stupid thing is I feel like this crazy obsessed chick who just keeps wondering WHY hasn't he gotten in touch with me again?  And REALLY,  WTF?!!! This kind of shit always seems to happen!  And I swear I'm not some crazy psycho chick but that's how I start to feel!!  Aaarg!!  Really have to get ready for work!  I guess I'll blog more later.....

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Tweaker Brain Strikes Again!

It all started with scratchers -
    Looking back a couple of weeks, I think that it might have all started with scratchers.  I love these damn little crossword puzzle scratchers you can by at Circle K.  But I suspect that the scratchers are what gave me the "casino fever."  I had some extra cash, I had dope, I was high, and I wanted to gamble.     The town I live in has 2 casinos but I've been banned for life from both of them (real stupid story that I'll share another time.)  So, the nearest place with a casino is in a nearby town about a 45 minute drive from where I live.  Not going to happen without a car.

Me and my bright ideas
    Apparently, at some point I decided it would be a good idea to try an online casino....
I haven't been able to keep my bank account in the black ever since.  I must have overdrawn it like 4 times in the last week and a half.

This is ONE DAY of my bank activity.. I've got
pages & pages online like this.

Part of the problem stems from the fact that with an online casino, I don't even have to leave my machine when I want to go get high.  I can set up a shot for myself and do it all while continually pressing the 'Spin' button on my laptop.

What Paycheck?
    Yep - pretty sure that I got my paycheck on Monday night and it was ALL GONE before the sun came up Tuesday morning.  And the whole stupid time I just kept sitting there thinking  'This is stupid.  I need to stop playing this stupid shit... Really.. this is stupid.... Dammit!'  And even when I DID actually get a lucky bonus and won $250, I was so excited that I started betting all crazy and within minutes - literally minutes I was down to $65.  And of course then I was so annoyed with myself for losing so quickly that I became determined to "win it back." (Yeah, Guess how that worked for me.)

Overdrawn again.... 
    And the stupidest part is that I can't wait to get money back into my account so that I can play some more!  This is ridiculous..... Something about gambling though, when I'm high... it's just SO much fun.  Even when I'm losing - which is often - I guess because there's the potential to win.  Yet, the times that I DO win anything substantial (like anything over $100) I can't get myself to break away and leave a casino with the money.  I can't seem to leave a casino until I have absolutely NO MONEY WHATSOEVER left.... and even then I'm trying (usually unsuccessfully) to scheme up ways to come up with even another dollar.  Geez.....   And if that's true for going to an actual casino, it's even more so for being at an online one.  Because I don't ever have to leave when my ride wants to go home - I'm already at home - with a beer in my hand and my debit card in the other...
Sheesh.  I really like to make things difficult for myself.

That's all for now, class.  Tomorrow we'll be discussing men and my ability to drink too much, and get all hypersensitive and over-analytical....

Monday, August 8, 2011

Our "Justice System" - Part 2

But Wait! There's More...
    I have a couple other "bones to pick" with our so called justice system and the laws we have in place in order to protect us from ourselves.

Now Listen Kids, Drugs Really ARE Bad...
First of all, I want to be clear - I fully support anti-meth laws and agree that it should be illegal.  (Although I do think the punishment for breaking such laws could maybe be reformed in some way that involves more therapy/rehab/etc as opposed to just dumping people in prison for a couple of years.)  That being said, there's no question that speed's some nasty shit, and even though it's a part of my life I know that I don't always want it to be; and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
There are MANY fairly obvious reasons why crystal meth is horrible - here's a few:

  1.  It causes so much physical, mental, psychological and emotional damage.  
  2. It's way too easy to become addicted to
  3. It causes people to do crazy things like accidentally leave their babies in their cars (see previous post.)
  4. Some of the things used to cut meth are chemicals that most of us would worry about getting on our skin accidentally.  (Seriously, I've gotten actual chemical burns on the back of my throat/roof of my mouth before just from the drainage that dripped down after snorting a line.)
  5. Meth tears apart relationships and families.
  6. It kills your ability to enjoy life without being on it... Nothing (playing guitar, having sex, writing, drawing, painting, cleaning, playing video games, being on the computer, etc) ever seems to be that much fun anymore or seems to be as enjoyable as it was when you were high.  This is a long-term effect that although not permanent, can take years before your brain kicks back into gear and you start enjoying all the little things again.
 So, I hope it's clear that I don't really think ANYONE would benefit from crystal meth being legal.  That's because in the long run (or even in the short run) I don't think anyone really benefits from meth, period.  
Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to continue using it for a while longer.  Isn't that crazy? My point exactly.  
    What I AM getting at is that I understand that most drugs are illegal for a freaking reason.  And I'm not just one of those people haphazardly rallying for the legalization of all drugs.  I know better.

The Littlest Law That Is Causing One Of The Biggest Problems-
Now, I have to mention this, since it's one of the things that I tend to get the most angry about:  


Rather than preventing IV drug users from using, the reality is that such laws ultimately contribute to the spreading of blood-borne pathogens like Hepatitis C and HIV.

The fact that many states here in the U.S. still make it illegal to purchase clean and sterile syringes - is not only ridiculous, but also inexcusable.  Such laws are examples of very poorly thought out and unfortunate legislation that ultimately do more bad than good.  Statutes that mandate syringes can't be purchased without a prescription are similar to parents who try to keep their teenage kids from learning about or accessing birth control in order to discourage them from having sex.  How often do you suppose that works?  Not often, I suspect.

The Right to "Safe Fix"
Just like teenagers today are encouraged to have "Safe Sex" I think that IV drug users should be able to "Safe Fix."  OK - technically there really is no such thing.  Shooting dope - whether coke or speed or heroin - is a risky and potentially dangerous act.  (However, in this day and age, having sex can be too.)  But IV drug users should at least have the option to minimize their risk.
    This is definitely a 'hot button' issue for me since I personally contracted Hepatitis C after  using someone else's syringe because I didn't have one of my own.  Sure, most of the time if I had to use a rig after someone else, I'd clean it out with bleach first (which in theory does work - check out the link on right side of the page.)
    But what about the occasions when I was getting high with someone in a place that wasn't a house and where we didn't have easy access to a bottle of bleach? (i.e. in a car, in a restaurant or gas station bathroom, etc)
    Well if you're someone desperate to get high (a factor that's increased even more if your fix is heroin and you have the added agony of being dope sick on top of  the typical feaning/jonesing/gotta-have-it desperation) then you're probably going to say fuck it and risk it.  I did - a couple of times.  Sure - I rinsed it out with water first if I could.  But I still wanted to get high and was willing in those weak moments to take the risk.  And I did it knowing that many of the people in my circle of friends had already been diagnosed with Hep C.
I'm lucky that Hepatitis C is all that I contracted and not something worse like HIV.  But the main reason myself and others end up in that kind of situation in the first place is because we didn't have clean needles to use; because they were/are hard to come by - period.   

Would It Have Mattered?
Could my exposure have been avoided if I'd had the option to simply walk into a pharmacy and purchase a package of new rigs anytime I wanted?
    It ABSOLUTELY could have been avoided.  I have no doubt in my mind.  
    Does that mean that I definitely would've avoided exposure to Hep C?  Not necessarily.  However, it would've been a lot less likely.  Not only would my chances of getting infected with Hep C have been lowered if I'd simply had easier access to clean needles on a more frequent basis; Everyone's would have been.  Which more than likely would've reduced the number people I knew who were already infected with Hep-C in the first place -- further reducing my own risk of exposure.  
    But it didn't.
    And I did.

    And I know that the final blame still rests with me.  The fault was no one's but my own.  I knew the risk involved but chose to do it anyway.  And now I've got to live with the consequences of my decisions.    
    As does anybody else who chose to use a needle after' I'd used it.
    And anyone who said "fuck it" and used that person's needle... and so on and so on....

WTF Is It Going To Take For This To Change?
    Why is this STILL a legal issue?  People have been using IV drugs recreationally for decades now.  So WHY hasn't this been addressed?  I think it should be fairly obvious that such statutes haven't had any impact on discouraging  actual drug use; and have actually increased the amount of risk IV drug users submit themselves to.  So there's an example of the government thinking that it knows what's best for everyone without being informed and botching up the job of trying to protect us from ourselves.

(*P.S. - Please make sure to select your answer to the poll on the right side of this page!*)

Alcohol Is Totally Fine But Keep That Evil, Crazy Pot Away From Me!! - 
Ok so I've got this one last thing to bitch about and then I'll wrap it up.  I honestly think that it's nothing short of ridiculous that our country considers pot smokers "criminals."  And this is not just personal bias speaking here, I'm not a pot smoker.  I used to be years ago, and every once in a while (like maybe once or twice a year) I take a hit or two if I'm in the mood.  But to lump people who smoke marijuana in the same category as tweakers, heroin junkies, crackheads and cokeheads just doesn't make sense.
    I don't really see any real logic in taxpayers paying thousands of dollars for "potheads" to be in prison for a year or two or three...  Seriously, what is it exactly that people are afraid of when it comes to marijuana?  God forbid someone gets stoned and eats an entire bag of Cheetos to themselves ("Oh! The horror!!")
    Meanwhile, being drunk - whether you're the life of the party or angry and violent - is perfectly legal?
    I don't know about anyone else, but I've had more than a few nights where after drinking I woke up the next day and was like "Oh God....[insert appropriate expression from below]"
     A. Why did I get so mad at [friend/significant other] for NO reason at all?
     B. Where am I and where's my ride/car keys/friends?
     C. Wait a minute, did me and so and so sleep together?
     D. Oh God - I can't believe I slept with (blank)... (did we use protection?)
     E. Whose puke is that is that?
     F. Oh no!  I can't believe I called (blank) at 3 in the morning!
     G. Wait a minute, did I DRIVE home?

(You get the idea and probably have your own) 

    All I'm  trying to point out here is that in the dysfunctional family that is "mind-altering substances," marijuana comes off looking like 'the good son' ; whereas alcohol is the troubled teen that keeps getting sent away to military camp and boarding school.  And it makes no real sense for us to continue wasting resources like tax dollars and man-hours on the fight against marijuana - when marijuana really looks like a gentle pussycat in comparison to the craziness, recklessness and hazards presented by alcohol.  This is an old argument - so I won't keep going on and on with things everyone's already heard a 1000 times before.

I'll just say this: When I was 15 this guy that I knew, Eric Moore died of alcohol poisoning after drinking too much Irish Whiskey on St. Patrick's Day.  He was 17 years old.
    I have yet to hear about someone overdosing & dying from smoking too much pot.

All right I'll wrap it up.... As always, feel free to comment.  I value other people's input and my blog is set up so that anyone - even anonymous users who wish to remain that way - can leave comments.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Prison Flashbacks & Our "Justice System" - Part 1

    Well, happy birthday to me - I turned 31 last Saturday (July 30.)  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  It's just that it still sounds so old to me.... 31 ... 31.....I'm in my thirties!  I never really got a chance to thoroughly adjust to turning 30 since I was in prison for that birthday (and by adjust I mean drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol.)   It's kind of weird when I think about how this time last year I was still in prison and had another 3+ months to go.  So it's only been 9 months since I got out... For some reason it feels like it's been MUCH longer.

My Life In Orange --
    That was an entirely different life -- my life in orange (orange orange orange I REALLY f**king hate the color orange now!) Every goddamn article of clothing you get is freaking orange.  And EVERYWHERE you look there's another group of girls also dressed in orange.  Some days I felt like if I had to look at one more person in orange I was going to throw up.
    And God!  All of the stupid bullshit there! No privacy EVER...  (communal showers, communal bathrooms.)  Never being allowed to sleep in (beds had to be made by 7:30 am - although we could still lay on top of our beds as long as we weren't covered with anything.)  Eating the SAME stupid meals in the same stupid order every 6 weeks.  Lights out at 8:30pm  (a curfew which is rivaled by most 4th graders.) No one allowed outside after that, no more taking showers, or leaving your area (except to go to the bathroom.) And working my ass off  in a cabbage field in the hot sun everyday for 50 cents a freaking hour!  Only so I could come back home from work and then have to wait in a big line with all the other girls returning from various jobs; all of us waiting for our turn in the "Strip Shack."

The Strip Shack -
    The Strip Shack was was a big shed we all had to pass through when we'd come back to the yard after work.  Inside we got to line up, 9 girls at a time, and all of us take off every article of clothing we had (make sure to shake it out good so the female officer in the shack with you can see that you're not trying to hide anything in the folds or pockets of your clothing.)  Then we got to wait our turn as one by one, the officer would go down the line and have each of us bend forward at the waist while we spread our butt cheeks and give a nice healthy cough.  The theory of course is that any machetes or bombs or random sports equipment we'd magically acquired (and then hidden in our hoo-hahs) would fall out of us when we coughed.  

    Ok - it's terrible that I'm here on the outs bitching about it while my good friend Jen is still in there for another 2 & a half years and I haven't even written her a letter in the past month.  God I'm fucking selfish.  And if she knew that I was back up to my old tricks, she'd be SO disappointed in me.

Jen - 
I met Jen while I was in prison and the hardest most bittersweet thing about getting out of prison was the guilt I felt at having to leave her behind.
    She's one of the most beautiful, kindest, and strongest people that I know.  She really got screwed.  The 7 and a half year sentence she received for basically stealing a car doesn't seem just at all.  I mean, she'll be the first person to admit that she was messed up (she was also a tweaker) and that she deserved consequences.  But 7 and a half years is ridiculous.  She and I were both in there with other girls who were serving less time for MUCH worse crimes.  Case in point is this girl, Rendi who only served 6 & 1/2 years for manslaughter.
    Jen basically stole some guy's car from 7-11 where he'd left it running with the keys in the ignition.  But while she was taking off with his car he tried to run out and stop her and grabbed a hold of one of the doors.  But she sped off, knocking him down in the process.  It's not like she ran him over or anything, his "injuries" (or lack thereof) didn't require medical attention.  But because of that factor, she was convicted of Aggravated Assault and got 7.5!

Money may not buy you love, but it will buy you a lawyer - 
Such bullshit too - Jen almost surely would've gotten a  better plea bargain and a lighter sentence if she'd been able to afford a real lawyer instead of just the "Public Pretender" that the court appointed her.  The system is really screwy like that.  It's not based so much on justice (the words 'justice system' are laughable) as it is based on money.
    For instance, as I mentioned, earlier there was another girl on our yard, Rendi, who accidentally killed her baby when she left him in the car all day.  This was in Phoenix - which for those who don't know is like hell with freeways.  Average summer temps are in the 100's (in degrees Fahrenheit.  The 40's in degrees Celsius.)  Anyway Rendi's baby died because she went to a friend's house to get high, and then forgot that the baby was in the car.  She got convicted of manslaughter but only had to do 6 & a half years.  All because her dad shelled out thousands of dollars for her to have a lawyer.  .
    So just to recap my thoughts:   Justice System = A Bunch of Bullshit Based Mostly On $$$.
(There are many other reasons that I've come to that conclusion, but I don't really feel like going into them right now.)

****Just a note - The original ending of this is now its own post.  When I edited this post, I decided to break off the last part of it and make it into a separate post (the next post) since I'd added so much to it.****