Friday, March 28, 2014

Where the $#@ has Random Girl Been?!!

Random Girl! Where the f*#@ have you been?!! -- SO... I can't believe that I've actually gone this long without really writing anything in my blog. It's stupid because I think that so often over the past couple of years, writing in this blog has kept me a little more sane. And I just haven't done it in so long... So I opted for insanity? Hmmm sounds about right

But no seriously where the hell have you been? -- Well first of all there have been a lot of you who've sent me a lot of concerned emails - hoping I wasn't in jail or back in prison or perhaps something worse (like sober... lol just kidding.... sort of). I thank those of you for your concern.... that's pretty cool.

Well actually I'm still living in Portland, OR. I've currently got a warrant out for my arrest (because I'm an idiot), I'm STILL unemployed, and still with Hercules who, from this point on I'm going to refer to as "Jeff" because his is just to uncommon of a name and I'd like to at least TRY to maintain a certain level of anonymity. (And this world's too small as it is)

So anyway, Jeff and I are still together... barely..... fucking one thing I can say about meth is that no matter WHO I've been in a relationship with, if we were/are using, the relationship has NOT gone smoothly. And it's been so long since I've been in a relationship WITHOUT drugs involved - God have I ever been? There's always been SOME sort of drugs or at the very least, alcohol involved. I think the last time I was in a relationship that didn't involve a substantial amount of drugs or alcohol was when I was 17/18 and I dated this guy who was in the Air Force and kind of had his shit together, and was hard working and just was an overall "good guy" (Cheers to you Than, wherever you are these days).... Did that last? Of course not! Why? Because I thought he was BORING!! (not enough drugs and/or drama since apparently that's what I seem to go for)

So, long story short, Jeff and I sure do fight a lot. And I'll leave it at that. I will however say that when he and I are getting along (which is also a lot somehow) we REALLY get along. He is somebody that at times I could totally picture myself spending the rest of my life with. Of course he's a fucking heroin addict - cuz I don't like to make it easy on myself you know. Nah, I can't really talk because what's the difference between one addiction or another. Can I say one is ok and one is not. Not really without being a hypocrite. So it is what it is. At least he just smokes the shit as opposed to slamming it... I didn't know that there was a difference between heroin addicts who smoked the shit and ones who were junkies until now. Smokers - from what I've seen - at least tend to be a little more on the sane side... a little less on the willing-to-do-ANYTHING-whether-it-be-cheat-steal-rob-kill-or-prostitute-myself side... Ok... that is enough writing for tonight. I'm REALLY going to start blogging regularly again. I can't believe I went THIS long. Once again I am grateful to everyone who was concerned about me. It's nice to know that people give a shit... even if they're strangers who live hundreds or thousands of miles away and who I've never met. I'll take what I can get LOL. Later :)

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Ever Seem Like You Just Can't Leave?

Just Can't Seem To Get Out of the House    So yesterday I was trying to just get dressed and go to a friend's house and try and get some shit for Herc and me. I of course, dawdled, and got distracted and couldn't get out of my own way. Finally, I was more or less out the door except I decided I should eat something before I left & sat down to have a bowl of cereal. Herc lost patience with me and snapped at me about how I was taking too long and he'd have been there and back by now etc etc... Told me he was going to just go himself.
     So I angrily kept notes secretly as he was getting ready to leave. At first it was in anger so I'd have proof for myself that he really DOES take just as long as I do to go anywhere. But today it's just funny as hell to look back on... WHY DO WE GET STUCK SO OFTEN? Takes for damned ever to get out of the house sometimes.....

  • 1:42pm     Herc says I'm taking too long and to nevermind he's just going to go himself.
  • 1:49pm    Gets dressed and then "hurries" to the kitchen table; hurries up and sits down to smoke some black that is.
  • 2:05pm     After arguing w/ me, Herc hustles out the door only to come immediately back in and start rustling through stuff. (Obviously much more focused on going to run this errand than I was... God it's a good thing he didn't wait for me to eat that bowl of cereal... )
  • 2:09pm     After arguing with me again for a couple pointless minutes about stupid bullshit he says my favorite phrase, "You know, if you wanted to while I'm gone...." (*GROAN*)
    The 'If you wanted to while I'm gone' lead-in is usually followed by a few suggestions as to possible tasks that I might find to be the wisest use of my time in his absence. Usually ends with the ever-appreciative, "but I know you probably won't so..."
  • 2:11pm     He leaves (finally)
  • 2:11pm     Comes back in again? for what?...... Ah now he's decided he needs to take the lock off of the door so that he can get a key made for the deadbolt. (Is currently still doing that now & it's 2:15 - 35 minutes now after he said I was taking too long and that he was just going to go himself.
  • 2:20pm     Finally Herc actually leaves
  • 2:24pm     False alarm, he didn't actually leave - he's still outside. Doing what? I don't know but I can hear him outside rifling around through stuff .... aha now he just called my name (geez)
  • 2:35pm     Herc leaves for real? Heard the bike click-clicking as he pushed it away...

That's 53 minutes he took to leave - ALMOST AN HOUR lol - gee like I said it sure is a good thing he didn't wait for me to finish that bowl of cereal.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Hercules and the Fire

Up In Smoke -     So I finally got all of my stuff moved out of my old place and into the place that was to be my next home, albeit a temporary home. I just didn't know how temporary. The VERY DAY AFTER I got all of my stuff moved into this house, the house caught fire and burned up everything that I own. EVERYTHING.
    This was the most unexpected thing that could've happened... talk about life throwing a curve ball. This isn't the kind of thing that you ever think will happen to you; it's the kind of thing that you see on the news that happens to strangers and people you don't know.
Electrical fire is what they think.
It's so weird, because one day I had all my stuff, and the next day I had NOTHING. And the guy whose house I was moving into ("T-Bone") was so frazzled I guess that when the Red Cross responders came to the scene and interviewed him, they asked him who all lived there, (I hadn't stayed there even yet, just had all my stuff there) and he said just TWO people lived there - him and his brother! So now I'm getting the runaround from the Red Cross because they think that I'm just some person trying to scam them. SO FRUSTRATING!!!

My Hero Hercules So thankfully through all of this, I've had the love and support of my sweet and wonderful man, Hercules. (Yes that's really his birth-given name lol) I guess I've been so preoccupied with everything that I haven't really written anything about him. But he's awesome. It's all happened so fast with him, we were hanging out on and off, sex thrown in there somewhere, and both of us have adamantly been saying that we don't want relationships. Then the next thing you know.... lol, anyway, this whole disaster has really put us to the test, and I have to say that I'm glad. He and I not only talk easily with one another, but we both have similar goals in where we want to go in life. And there's nothing I couldn't tell him.
   We both have addictions that we're battling. Mine of course is the gambling and the meth. His.... well, his is a little more serious. At least, I think so. Hercules, (Herc, as I call him) is addicted to heroin. This is weird for me because even though I'm a tweaker and no stranger to drug addiction, I've never really had a tolerance for people who do heroin. I've always just felt and seen that while tweakers will often do some fucking scandalous shit when they're jonesing, heroin addicts will fucking do pretty much ANYTHING to ANYBODY in order to get a fix that will keep them from getting dope sick. And when Herc and I started hanging out, I thought that was definitely going to be a dealbreaker as far as our relationship progressing to anything more serious. But the more we hung out, and the more we got to know each other, BOTH of us found that this thing was bigger than us, and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. FORTUNATELY, he's fallen equally in love with me, and even though we've only been together a couple of months, I honestly feel as if I've met the person I'll spend the rest of my life with.
I would lose all my possessions and belongings all over again a dozen times if it meant that I could have Hercules in my life. And as I suddenly found myself homeless and EVERYTHING-less, Herc stepped up like a champ and has been so supportive and he's done it without question. Because of this situation, we've sort of been hurled together into this domestic living situation; gone from living as single people to suddenly sharing a trailer. And not like a mobile home type trailer, but a TRAILER like the kind you pull behind a truck. So it's close quarters, just he and I and my precious little Frankie cat (who Herc tells people is "our cat")
    Well that's all for now. I realize I've been SUPER SLACKING as far as blogging goes. But I plan to start writing regularly again. As for now it's time for me to do a shot of speed... my addiction calls.....    (But I can't answer forever....)