I am officially broke now... have blown through the last of my tax return. This finally inspired me, at the very last minute, to submit my STATE tax information since I'm getting $47 back on that (hooray.) As soon as that's deposited into my account, I'm certain that I'll be able to disappoint myself (and my mom) by promptly wasting it on beer and drugs. Though, my mom doesn't actually know that I've been spending my money on drugs too, I'm also beginning to think that she at least suspects that I'm back up to my old tricks. I keep catching her looking at my arms and I think she's trying to casually ascertain whether or not I've got bruises or track marks (which I do.) Plus, she's not stupid, and she and I are so close that I think somewhere in the back of her head she kind of has that thought floating around but is trying not to pay attention to it.
Something that really bothers me is that even though I tell my mom pretty much everything, I can't tell her about this. So then it's basically like I'm hiding stuff from her. And since there's a whole lifestyle that comes along with doing meth, I end up not telling her quite a bit. There's certain friends who she knows I used to get high with so I can't mention them. And I can't ever tell her what it is I REALLY did last night (drove out to the damn boonies to pick up.) And now that I'm back at her and Bill's house, I have to go through this whole song and dance in the morning like I just woke up (*yawn* "gee I slept really good last night!")
All this need for dishonesty and all of these 'omissions of truth' have the end result of me just talking to her less in general. And there are times when I'm over at Bob's or somewhere else and she'll call my cell but I've been up all night and feel kinda tired and/or fucked up and a little to "out of it" to talk to her. So I just don't answer the phone. She has lately started remarking - somewhat jokingly - that I'm a really hard person to get a hold of. It's a bunch of dishonest bullshit that I'm not crazy about but I still do it because I want to be able to keep my life as it is now. I would most likely be asked to leave or go to a halfway house if she or my stepdad learned that I'm back to doing meth. Plus, I know how much she worries about me when she knows I'm using, and I know how much I've put her through so there's a part of me that wants her to not have to be stressed out and worried about me.... She already had to visit me in prison. And Bill, my stepdad stresses her out enough for 10 people - ahh yes, my stepdad is a total douche. But that's another story......
Oh! I almost forgot! My big exciting thing - according to Google Analytics, I've actually had a couple visitors to this site that weren't me! That's kind of cool I guess and for at least a couple of minutes I enjoyed the gratification of having an elevated (even if undeserved) sense of importance. So thank you very much, to my 3 visitors from Canada, San Francisco, and Australia. Which reminds me that eventually here I'm going to have to change the way my blog looks. I know that the visual presentation of this blog leaves much to be desired. I'm not too crazy about my rambling profile entry and the whole scheme in general (with the exception of the colors which I like) However, since I've never been good with that sort of thing (that whole visual art thing) I'll procrastinate doing it for now... but someday....eventually....
For now I'm just going to try to make some constructive choices. So I'm setting a goal for myself that by this time next month, I will at least have a job. Of course that means I'll have to start looking a lot more seriously for one - damn.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Another day, another $20 (and thank god for new needles)
So... It's been a while. Kind of silly really because I've meant to post many other times recently, but haven't because I've been so high that I couldn't stop what I was doing (mostly playing games on Pogo and getting stuck on Facebook) So, needless to stay, so much for being strong and not doing it anymore once my mom and stepdad came back from Cali.
I have been pretty successful at blowing through all of my tax refund money. For the past 2 weeks or so, I've been pretty steadily calling my friend Jack for a 20 nearly everyday.
Why a 20? It's not really the wisest financial investment to keep getting a little 20 day after day after day.... Not when I could've initially given Jack $60 or $70 one of the times he was on his way to Phoenix and then he could've brought me back a lot more "bang for my buck." It's kind of like buying in bulk .... but anyway I didn't do that because that was too much of a commitment to being a tweaker. And I've been in denial, most days I've pretended to convince myself that I was "just going to get this one last 20 and then I'll quit again"
Hmmmm yeah, see how well that's worked for me?
On a happier note I'm thrilled to death that Pam picked me up and I gave her the money to buy me a new 10-pack of syringes. THANK FREAKING GOD. Prior to today I've been using the same needle for pretty much the last 2 weeks... which is way too long. That damn rig was so dull that it wouldn't hit freaking ANYTHING and I spent a great deal of time (sometimes 1-2 hours) just trying to find a vein it would hit! Now I know how a dartboard feels. And I've got bruises everywhere - Jesus. At least I did one smart thing and made a point to try to 'sterilize' (or something close to it) the needle each time before I used it.
**************IMPORTANT NOTE:**************
For anyone else who gets stuck in the same situation as me and for whatever reason can't get their hands on a new needle, STERILIZING the needle with something like rubbing alcohol is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT!! I have learned this the hard way in the past - and through using a needle that was both, dull AND dirty I got a HORRIBLE infection in my arm. The constant poke-poke-poke and repoking trying to hit, caused me to get both, cellulitis and and an abscess. This was VERY PAINFUL... to this day I can honestly say that was some of the worst physical pain I've ever experienced (never had kids so couldn't say but I'm guessing having kids is probably a bit worse) Even if you think that you're very careful about not letting your needle touch anything and always putting the cap back on after use, it doesn't matter!!! Bacteria is as invisible as it is everywhere. Simply letting the needle soak in rubbing alcohol - and if possible swabbing the place where you're going to try to inject can at least reduce the risk of getting infected.
These past couple of weeks I didn't have rubbing alcohol, but I did happen to have a little bottle of 'waterless hand sanitizer.' It was a gel so it wasn't really ideal, but I'd squirt some onto a little piece of paper or a business card and allow the needle to just sort of sit there for a minute or two. I'm not actually sure how long is technically necessary, but I usually tried to wait a minute. Then I'd have to shake the gel off the needle and let it sit AGAIN for another minute (the waiting is hard sometimes, but worth it not to get the infection, trust me) while the alcohol/gel stuff evaporated off the needle (cuz otherwise I might accidentally inject some of that too and OUCH... don't imagine that would be a good thing to do.) Finally, I'd squirt some more of that gel stuff onto where I'm going to inject and then rub some on my fingers (because when I'm trying to find a vein I'm feeling my skin a lot with my fingers and if there's bacteria on them I'll just end up wiping it all over the spot I'm about to inject.)
I realize that sounds maybe a little over the top to some, but it really only takes an extra couple of minutes and saves you DAYS of pain and pus.
All right, well, I'm officially out of dope now. It's almost funny that I just finally got new needles but now have no shit to put in them. No more money to buy shit with either. My mom is holding on to my last $40 dollars for me and since I just asked her for $60 a couple of days ago (she initially was holding onto $100 for me) I can't ask her for more so soon because it will make her suspicious. Plus I'm not even there right now because I had to get away from my insane stepfather for a couple of weeks so I'm staying with a couple of friends.
And just for the record, I feel like a creep for getting high at my friends' house who are not tweakers and are just trying to help me out.
Logic problem: If liars are assholes, and most tweakers are liars, then are all tweakers assholes?
(The answer is no, but most of them are)
I have been pretty successful at blowing through all of my tax refund money. For the past 2 weeks or so, I've been pretty steadily calling my friend Jack for a 20 nearly everyday.
Why a 20? It's not really the wisest financial investment to keep getting a little 20 day after day after day.... Not when I could've initially given Jack $60 or $70 one of the times he was on his way to Phoenix and then he could've brought me back a lot more "bang for my buck." It's kind of like buying in bulk .... but anyway I didn't do that because that was too much of a commitment to being a tweaker. And I've been in denial, most days I've pretended to convince myself that I was "just going to get this one last 20 and then I'll quit again"
Hmmmm yeah, see how well that's worked for me?
On a happier note I'm thrilled to death that Pam picked me up and I gave her the money to buy me a new 10-pack of syringes. THANK FREAKING GOD. Prior to today I've been using the same needle for pretty much the last 2 weeks... which is way too long. That damn rig was so dull that it wouldn't hit freaking ANYTHING and I spent a great deal of time (sometimes 1-2 hours) just trying to find a vein it would hit! Now I know how a dartboard feels. And I've got bruises everywhere - Jesus. At least I did one smart thing and made a point to try to 'sterilize' (or something close to it) the needle each time before I used it.
**************IMPORTANT NOTE:**************
For anyone else who gets stuck in the same situation as me and for whatever reason can't get their hands on a new needle, STERILIZING the needle with something like rubbing alcohol is INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT!! I have learned this the hard way in the past - and through using a needle that was both, dull AND dirty I got a HORRIBLE infection in my arm. The constant poke-poke-poke and repoking trying to hit, caused me to get both, cellulitis and and an abscess. This was VERY PAINFUL... to this day I can honestly say that was some of the worst physical pain I've ever experienced (never had kids so couldn't say but I'm guessing having kids is probably a bit worse) Even if you think that you're very careful about not letting your needle touch anything and always putting the cap back on after use, it doesn't matter!!! Bacteria is as invisible as it is everywhere. Simply letting the needle soak in rubbing alcohol - and if possible swabbing the place where you're going to try to inject can at least reduce the risk of getting infected.
These past couple of weeks I didn't have rubbing alcohol, but I did happen to have a little bottle of 'waterless hand sanitizer.' It was a gel so it wasn't really ideal, but I'd squirt some onto a little piece of paper or a business card and allow the needle to just sort of sit there for a minute or two. I'm not actually sure how long is technically necessary, but I usually tried to wait a minute. Then I'd have to shake the gel off the needle and let it sit AGAIN for another minute (the waiting is hard sometimes, but worth it not to get the infection, trust me) while the alcohol/gel stuff evaporated off the needle (cuz otherwise I might accidentally inject some of that too and OUCH... don't imagine that would be a good thing to do.) Finally, I'd squirt some more of that gel stuff onto where I'm going to inject and then rub some on my fingers (because when I'm trying to find a vein I'm feeling my skin a lot with my fingers and if there's bacteria on them I'll just end up wiping it all over the spot I'm about to inject.)
I realize that sounds maybe a little over the top to some, but it really only takes an extra couple of minutes and saves you DAYS of pain and pus.
All right, well, I'm officially out of dope now. It's almost funny that I just finally got new needles but now have no shit to put in them. No more money to buy shit with either. My mom is holding on to my last $40 dollars for me and since I just asked her for $60 a couple of days ago (she initially was holding onto $100 for me) I can't ask her for more so soon because it will make her suspicious. Plus I'm not even there right now because I had to get away from my insane stepfather for a couple of weeks so I'm staying with a couple of friends.
And just for the record, I feel like a creep for getting high at my friends' house who are not tweakers and are just trying to help me out.
Logic problem: If liars are assholes, and most tweakers are liars, then are all tweakers assholes?
(The answer is no, but most of them are)
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