Bye Bobby Hello Craziness and New Heartbreak

Bobby's Gone For Now...

So I've really been putting off posting lately just because so much has happened that I don't even know where to start. So first of all, Bobby's in prison. I sort of had a hand in sending him there (which I still feel guilty about.) I ended up having him arrested twice in one night. The first time they released him right away and I had no idea, so when I got home from work a couple of hours later, he was in my room waiting for me.... and pissed off.

   That was the second time I called the cops on him, and he hasn't been out of jail since. And even though the official charge that sent him to prison was a 'Theft 1' charge, I know that he'd finally gotten so many other little charges in such a short period of time that the D.A. offered him a deal to plead guilty to the Theft 1 charge and do his 13 months, and have all his other charges dismissed which is what he did.

   

   And now of course the funny thing is that I miss him... a lot more lately since I just had my heart stepped on and crushed by this other guy recently.... (more on that later) But when Bobby went away, I actually went off the deep end - started staying up for 2 & 3 days in a row and whatnot. And hey, that was all fine and dandy when I was like 24, but nowadays anything more than a day and I feel like a 90-year old woman, not to mention that I'm OUT OF IT. Being so spacey at work didn't really do me any favors. I'm pretty sure that I've got at least 2 or 3 (of the 4 others that work here at the bar) wondering about me and my "extracurricular activities" So as of this weekend, I'm really trying to pull the reins in on myself and start acting like, well, not-a-tweaker again.

All Sorts of Men Except the One I Want

   So after Bobby went away, needless to say, guys started coming out of the freaking woodwork!! Geez. I've never experienced anything quite like that before, where just everywhere I went people who'd I never even thought twice about were telling me that they've secretly always been attracted to me, or had noticed me but didn't ever introduce themselves because of Bobby. One guy, Frank and I hung out for quite a bit, and I tried REALLY hard to like this guy, ended up sleeping with him multiple times, and staying at his house and whatnot... but when it came down to it, Frank wasn't right for me.... For one thing he didn't know anything about shit and I had to always hide it from him. And honestly as mean as it sounds, I think the biggest part of the draw to him was the fact that he had a lot of money... and a steady well-paying job. Isn't that horrible?

Even though I REALLY did care for the guy (Frank), in the end it turned out he was just a big dork kind of - sort of annoying when he'd had too many beers (one of those says stupid things that HE thinks are super funny but are just kind of dumb kind of people) But he helped me out with $400 in rent that I was behind (fucking gambling!!) and he took me to Multnomah Falls for the first time. And I'm certain that if I could just make myself like him more than I do, I'd never have to worry about finances and would probably get to travel to some pretty cool places... But unfortunately he's just a little too smothery-clingy when we're in public (i.e. when we'd go gamble, he'd give me money to play but then would be back every five minutes to stand behind my shoulder and watch which I HATE it when people do!)

Then along came Jay....

   long story longer there were several guys who I kissed and went on "dates" with... and just hung out with. But the one that caught my attention most was Jay.... I've got to wrap this up for tonight, so I'll give a quick summary:

1. He pursued the crap out of me
I sort of didn't really pay that much attention to him at first
2. I started hanging out with him more
3. Slept with him (really good in bed... and really well endowed Sheesh!)
4. Everything went so smoothly and seemed to flow so easily between us. There was a level of comfort there as if we'd been together for years and not just weeks
5. He came to visit me at work one day, and while doing so sat down at a poker machine
6. The girl he was sitting next to, (stupid fucking whore named Marissa) started flirting with him - something I noticed and was SLIGHTLY disconcerted about, but was trying not to read too much into
7. Just like that he was hooked - I guess he's totally into Marissa now. It all happened so quickly...

The whole Marissa thing is so weird, I couldn't believe that just like that he'd throw away the cool connection we had, the good sex, all the things in common and..... grrr... it has crushed me and left me feeling broken... I hate thinking about the fact that SHE's now sleeping on what he had started jokingly referring to as my side of the bed. And she gets to have him snuggle with her at night (ok sounds cheesy, I know, but he was a good cuddler and always demanded that we did) Stupid fucking bitch... both of them!!! FUCK!!!
There is, of course, more to the story, but like I said I've got to cut this short.

**SIGH**

    So you know what going through this has made me realize? That I didn't appreciate what I had with Bobby when I had it... Yes he was controlling and jealous and could be violent at times - but his abuse was physical and after going through all this stupid heart-wrenching drama with Jay, I must say that I'd rather break my arm than have my heart broken..... physical pain I can DEAL WITH!

    The thing about Bobby is that if he were just to get a job, I don't think that now we'd have half the fights that we DID... I'm finally reaching a point where I want to CHANGE and break away from all of this self-destructive crap... which Bobby would be on board with me in a heartbeat.
   That was the thing about Bobby, no matter what he said or did, I NEVER ONCE had to doubt his love for me. And whether or not I admitted it, I really did love him. He was surprisingly sensitive for such a "tough guy" and was always really good at trying to communicate with me what it is he wanted and tried to get me to communicate with him what I wanted. And whether I agreed with him or not, or whether or not I wanted it, I have to admit that nearly EVERYTHING Bobby did was with me or us in mind... he always thought he had my best interests at heart. So.... I'm currently in the process of writing him a letter. Something to tell him how much I miss him and that I think about him a lot and maybe MAYBE, MAYBE want to work things out when he's released in June...

So am I totally crazy? I might be. Anyway I've got to get home and get to bed, because I already overslept this morning and was two and a half hours late for work... which didn't please my boss at all. Night all... and thanks so much for everyone who's sent concerned emails and comments, checking to see if I was ok and/or giving me their input. It's always good to hear from others.
Till next time....

Random Girl is Not Dead or in Jail

Wow, it's been a REALLY long time     since I've posted anything. A big part of the reason for that has been due to my lack of a decent internet connection. Another big part is because I never seem to be able to get away from Bobby long enough to get online. He is controlling and demanding of my attention and needy and I'm sick of him. But I've gotten myself into one hell of a mess by EVER hooking up with that man.... More on that later though.
   I definitely want to say thank you to all the awesome readers who've been emailing and commenting to ask if I'm ok and to give me feedback on this blog. How crazy that anyone but me actually reads this. But I'm glad. And to those of you who ask me a question via email and then don't hear back from me for a week - I'm SORRY! Eventually I'm going to start actively getting back online on a daily basis again but for now sometimes I go 3, 4, 5 days - sometimes a week or more even - before I bring my laptop somewhere that I'm able to mooch and internet connection.
For instance, right now I just finished closing up at the bar where I work, and I'm trying to hurry and just enter this blog real quick because I know that Bobby is already super-pissed at me for taking so damn long and he's already stopped by to see how much longer I'll be 3 times in the last couple of hours.
**SIGH**
   Anyway, on that note I've really got to cut out because there's already going to be a fight when see him again and the later I am the worse it will probably be. For anyone who cares, I'll go into more detail about all that (as well as other stuff) hopefully within the next day or two here.

My Annoying New Habit
    Before I go I want to mention one last thing - mostly just because it's freaking annoying and it's bothering the crap out of me: Over the last week or so I've developed this really annoying habit of trying to get stuff out of my teeth that isn't even there. It always seems to feel as if I've just finished eating a bag of doritos or something and so I'm picking and sucking at my teeth with my tongue. (Mouth closed though at least)
I am doing this CONSTANTLY and doing it sometimes to the point where my tongue is sore at the end of the day. I try flossing a lot and brushing and those will help but only for a minute or two and then I find myself doing it again. It's REALLY stupid and tweakerish and I HATE doing it because I know if/when people see me doing that with my mouth all of the time that they're going to think (correctly) that I'm "one of those goddamn tweakers." I don't know exactly why I felt the need to write about it, but I'm TRYING to not do that and has anyone else experienced this or something similar? Ok. I'm out.

4th Of July Brings Warrant And Less Bobby

4th of July = Wanted: Random Girl
    So I just realized last night that I was supposed to go to court yesterday afternoon. Since I forgot I now have a warrant out for my arrest. Damn. I honestly just thought it wasn't until next week for some reason. Geez, it's really the kinda shit that I should pay more attention to I guess eh?
   Anyway, I'm slowly working at becoming "Bobby Free" but it's a difficult process (difficult for him who then MAKES it difficult for me) that I will go more into later. Right now I'm trying to get high real quick on the last of the dope that I have and get out of the house and go spend the $2.00 that I have to play video poker. But I want to get out of here without Bobby seeing and/or following me... I know he's lurking around the property somewhere.... I'm actually going to walk and leave my bike chained up here so that if/when he checks to see if it's there he'll see it and think I'm still holed up in my room sleeping or being a recluse.
Sheesh.. Wish me luck I guess. Later

More Legal Crap and Other Bullshit....

So it's been a LONG time since I blogged. So much has happened - the worst being that I'm looking at legal troubles again. The official charge: Possession of Methamphetamine (Class C Felony). And the way that I got it is really ridiculous - so stupid that I'm so mad at myself.
   I was going to court with Bobby (even though I REALLY didn't want to - but he threw an absolute tantrum when I said that it was my only day off and I didn't want to spend it in court.) Then basically the short version of the story is that I had dope in my purse that I'd sort of forgotten about. I'd hid the last of this little bag of shit (which had only been a dime to start with) behind my bank card in my wallet. (Something that I'd forgotten I did because I'd done it the day before when Bobby and I had been fighting - having the WORST fight we'd ever had)
   Ok let me back up just a little bit. So after Bobby pitched a fit and started making a scene at the MAX train station I begrudgingly let him drag me along to court with him. He'd threatened that I'd be sorry if I didn't 'shut [my] fucking mouth and get on the goddamn train.' And after the fight that we'd had the day before - he was CRAZY and violent and scared the shit out of me - I decided it was best to just be compliant and do what he said for the time being. (More on my "relationship" later. I'm NOT going to stay with this man but it's complicated blah blah...) Anyway, when we were a block or two away from the courthouse I stopped and dug through my purse and got the needle and the dirty spoon that I'd had in there and threw them away. So I thought I'd taken care of everything.
WRONG
   As we entered the courthouse we had to go through the metal detectors and stick everything else (including shoes! Geez!) through the x-ray machine (or whatever that machine is that can see into purses and stuff.) Well the deputy lady stopped me and asked me if she could search my purse. I was thinking that she had probably noticed this little pair of scissors I had that I hadn't thought about and that I wasn't going to be allowed to bring them into the courtroom so I said it was ok if she searched my purse. As soon as she started digging around behind my cards in my wallet I SUDDENLY had this vague memory of maybe sticking that little bit of dope I'd had left back behind one of those cards... Then she pulled it out and my heart just dropped to my stomach.
    Long story longer, I was eventually arrested. Thankfully here in Oregon it's not as big a deal as it would have been if I'd been caught back in Arizona. I was actually released "of my own recognizance" the same day, like 5 hours later. In Arizona I would've been in jail for weeks (if I got out at all) and most likely on my way back to prison.
**SIGH**
   SO here I am yet again facing being on paper again... Stupid me. And although I know it was my own stupidity for forgetting that I had shit in my purse, I'm REALLY fucking angry at Bobby because it was his selfish/crazy/clingy/demanding - ness that was the reason that I was at the damn courthouse in the first place!!! GRRR!!!!
   From bad to worse...    So the BEST part of this story is that we have this magazine here in Portland called "Busted" and every week it comes out and it has pictures of EVERYBODY who's been arrested the week before with a caption telling what they were arrested for underneath. I'm of course in there this week with a nice little "Possession of Meth" underneath my pic. Well, I got a text last night from my friend Gabe at work and he just was giving me a heads up that there was a "Busted" magazine someone had brought to work and my face was circled in it and a bunch of people from work were looking at it. So now I'm officially screwed. If I go into work like I'm supposed to tomorrow, I'll most likely get fired. Even if I come up with the world's best defense proclaiming my innocence, everyone that I work with will all look at me differently. And I don't know if I can face that. I just don't fucking know. I'm honestly thinking about just not going in at all tomorrow and just calling it quits for that job.
    I DO have another job now that I'm also working - a job that I like much better - but it's only part time. I just don't fucking know what to do! I'm pretty sure that I'm going to pussy out and just not show up for work tomorrow, but then how do I get my paycheck which I'm supposed to get on Tuesday? I can't not show up for work and then just waltz in the next day and ask for my paycheck. Aaargh. Fuck fuck fuck! The stupidest thing is that I knew that it would eventually end badly if I continued down this road. No one to blame really but myself. Silly rabbit. Fuck.

Goddamn Crazy Tweakers

AAAAAHH!!! Fucking tweakers! Jesus Christ! So here's what I'm surrounded with right now: I've got this girl Vera, who every five minutes is looking for something else that she's lost. Then there's this other girl, Tatsayana (not sure if that's spelled right) who keeps wandering around the house and to the house next door (also tweakers) trying to find someone who either has a bike pump or knows how to fix a bike tube... And then there's Amanda and Greg in the bedroom - Amanda just had her water break last night but she's not due to have the baby for another 3 months or so, and she doesn't want to go to the hospital because she's got meth in her system...
   We're hanging out in this house that Amanda and Greg have been "squatting" in for months now. They don't pay rent, and this house is a house where the previous tenants I guess were evicted because the house is being foreclosed on.... The same goes for the house next door I guess. Anyway, I never have been able to figure out how the hell they have electricity here... I don't think anyone pays a bill or anything. Meanwhile, I'm here ultimately because I'm trying to avoid Bobby - who I finally called the cops on the other day after he knocked on my window for 45 straight minutes and then threatened me and pushed me to the ground when I went outside.
    So now back to Amanda having her water break - I don't know much about having babies, but how long can the baby continue to hang out in there after the water breaks? Is that safe? I wish she would just go to the hospital - for the sake of her baby if nothing else. Christ, I didn't even know she was pregnant. I just thought she was overweight, and she smokes cigarettes and smokes meth and does lines of meth all the time - not exactly looking out for the baby. Ok... well, I'm going to end this update now. Fucking tweakers are driving me crazy here - too much coming and going of people. I guess I'll take my chances with Bobby since I've got to go back home and try to get at least some sleep before I work a split shift today anyway.

These Thoughts Run Through My Head

Ok, I don't have much time because I should technically be getting ready for work right now. But I just had to get it out there real quick that I'm actually missing Bobby... He hasn't tried calling me fifty times and hasn't come knocking on my window and there's this little part of me that's actually a little sad about it. I know that's kind of crazy, but that's what I feel and I can't help it. And then of course I start to doubt myself and think about how sweet he is and how he really wears his heart on his sleeve and how open he is...all endearing qualities that I was surprised to find in someone I originally assumed was a sort of "macho man" and maybe a little bit of a player. And of course I also know how lonely he is and I can hear his words in my head 'I don't want to grow old alone' and it makes my heart go out to him.
Anyway.... that's just some shit running through my head.

Repeatedly making the same bad decisions...

    So it's morning time now. I still haven't gone to sleep but I need to soon because if I don't get at least a few hours of sleep a night I'm a total airhead at work. And I can't afford to be making stupid mistakes at work. I got off of work last night and promptly went over to the bar right by my work and drank & gambled away (mostly gambled) the few tips that I made.
Yay me.
    And of course, when Bobby got out of jail last week I naturally went right back to acting like we were a couple again. Then after a few days, I started to feel that worn-out-need-a-break-from-you feeling again and Bobby just wants me to hang out with him all the time. I don't remember what it's like to want to be around someone else that much. Is there something wrong with me?
   Regardless I'd pretty much had it with Bobby time after about 4 days. I'll admit that I definitely DO like falling asleep and waking up next to him. But there's just too much other crap... Like the fact he doesn't have a job, or his own place. And that he's so controlling and possessive... and he's also a freaking racist which annoys me. He says he doesn't really have a problem with black people until black guys try to talk to a white chick and then he gets super pissed. What the fuck is that all about? We got in this ridiculous fight because I said hello at the bar to this black guy "T-Bone". Bobby knew that this guy T-Bone had been calling and texting me a while back and as soon as he realized that the dude at the bar was T-Bone he was about ready to go off on him. He wanted to know if I'd ever gone over to T-Bone's house or hung out alone with him and when I said no, that I'd only called him one time looking for dope, I seriously thought that Bobby's head was going to explode. He was super pissed at me for calling a black dude for dope and even more pissed at T-Bone for trying to get it for me.... or I guess for ever talking to me at all.
   That was just a couple of nights ago. The real fun and excitement happened a night or two later (the night before last)when Bobby was just fucking all upset and angry. He was just in a MOOD when I saw him and it got worse as the night progressed. I had to talk him down from starting fights with two seperate people just because he didn't like the way they were looking at me, or the way they were talking to me.... stupid shit like that. And we ended up getting in a big fight where I ended up telling him (yet again) that I didn't want a relationship with him or anyone else and that things weren't going to work between us.
He got mad
He Cried
He got mad again.
He cried again, pleaded with me, threatened me, tried to guilt me into taking him back, bargained with me, and then got mad again.
Then he just let me know that if he sees me hanging out with ANY other guys that he'll kill the mother fuckers.
Nice
   So, now I'm back to sqaure 2 with Bobby again. I suspect that breaking up with him is going to be harder this time than last time. But surprisingly he didn't call my phone even once yesterday. That is the longest he's ever gone without trying to call me (not counting when he was in jail for a few days.) I have to admit that this time I'm more emotionally attached to him then I was a couple of weeks ago, and I miss him a little again. But I can't keep going with Bobby because I can see which direction this relationship is headed and I know that it's only going to get worse. And I've already done so much bad decision making this year... I'm way past my quota. And since I don't seem to be ready to quit the gambling, or quit doing the shit, at least I can try to quit Bobby.
   As for gambling and dope, well, I spent all my tips last night on the poker machines and it's 7:30 in the morning and I haven't even been to sleep yet - so what does that say about my smart decision-making? (Or lack thereof?) I know that eventually (that's the key word there - a word that vaguely refers to some future time other than now) I'm going to have to change my evil ways. I don't want to find myself 40 years old and still waiting tables and shooting dope. I just don't want to quit today... or tomorrow...or the day after that.... or the day after that............

My Very Own Stalker - And Oh Yeah I'm Neurotic

Bobby
   So when I first started to write this post last week I ended up rambling on for about 3 pages about this whole Bobby fiasco. So I erased the whole post and decided to start it again, this time just touching on the key points. So here's the a brief summary:
   I sort of got together with this guy Bobby for about a week and a half (maybe two weeks). And then I spent the next 2 weeks breaking up with him.
   Initially I didn't really want things to go as far as they went between us. I told him right from the beginning that

1. I'm quite content right now being single
2. That I heavily guard my privacy
3. That I like to be alone and have my space...OFTEN.

I also told him that since I didn't want things to get weird or complicated and since I didn't really know what I wanted or was looking for that I wanted to take things REALLY slow... then 2 nights later I slept with him.
   Usually I'm pretty selective about who I sleep with and I totally intended to not sleep with him early on if at all. But I swear the physical chemistry between the two of us is ridiculously super-charged. I can honestly say that I don't think any other guy has ever been able to get me all riled up the way that he does. It's awesome but it just complicates things, because as it turns out he's sort of a psycho.

Right after we slept together things moved so fast. All of the sudden he was introducing me as his old lady and getting all jealous if I talked to other guys (or if they talked to me) and he started being all controlling and possessive. Plus he wanted to spend like every waking second with me and didn't understand the concept of how to give me my space and alone time when I asked for it. So I broke it off with him (or tried to at least) and he totally freaked out on me. He got really angry and called me a bitch and a whore and then asked me who the fuck the other dude was. Then a couple of minutes later he was crying and begging me to forgive him and please to give him another chance. Then he fucking got angry again and then he cried again etc. And in the end he warned me that if he saw me walking around with any other guy he'd beat him down.
   Even though I told him nothing was going to happen between us he'd still call me 4 or 5 times a night, and come knocking at my window multiple times during the day and middle of the night. I sort of took to creeping around my room in the dark being all quiet when I got off of work so that he wouldn't know I was home. And I started going to different bars - ones that I'd never seen him at - but he usually finds me anyway....
   Now to be fair, I probably could've been a lot meaner to him. But I was TRYING to stay friends with him - I DO actually like the guy - and I've also been trying to keep things civil between us so that he doesn't try to retaliate in some way because he feels scorned or rejected. And then more recently, I've called him a few times. Like when I needed a bag, or a last minute ride to work, or a few bucks to gamble with. And while I've remained firm about the fact that I'm not looking for anything right now, I've also been REALLY wanting to sleep with him again (we haven't since I first broke things off with him)

Wanting What I Can't Have?   So to bring it all back around, a few days ago all of the sudden Bobby stopped calling me and hadn't stopped by in a while... So on a hunch I looked online to see if he was in jail and sure enough he is. And now here's the weird thing - all night long tonight I've been annoyingly aware of the fact that I kinda miss him a little! WTF?! A week ago I was tip-toeing around my room in the dark so that he wouldn't know I was home and I wouldn't have to deal with him, and now all of the sudden I miss the freaking psycho! GEEZ! I do though - a little bit anyway... but I wonder if it's just because I know that he's unavailable right now. I did like laying next to him - and for the most part he's pretty damn thoughtful.. Damn guy doesn't even have a job, but he's resourceful as hell.... he manages to get dope when I want to get high, and money for beer when I want a drink and we're both broke...
    Then there's Gabe from my work - who's this totally sweet kind generous funny guy who's closer to my age (Bobby is a LOT older than me) and who I have a zillion things in common with. We hang out after work a lot, and we laugh a lot and tonight he and I went out on a date. GREAT freaking guy....NO sexual attraction! AARG!! What the hell is wrong with me?? Of course Gabe doesn't know about this whole hidden part of my life though - which is actually a pretty big part. So Gabe is all falling for me and I'm not attracted and meanwhile my stalker's in jail and I'm missing him....
   Whatever - here's to being crazy. Cheers.

Squishing Cottons

The Squishing of the Cottons -  I'm all out of dope today, and since I've had like 3 days off in a row I have no money. So I had to resort to squishing cottons... Got me high for a little while at least.

   For anyone who doesn't know about squishing cottons, it's sort of the meth shooter's equivalent of scraping resin out of a weed pipe and smoking it when you're out of bud. Whenever I set up a shot, I draw it up into the needle through a little piece of cotton. Then when the water evaporates the only thing left in the cotton is a little bit of meth residue. (Sometimes a lot if I'm careless or if I intentionally want to have a lot left over in the cotton.) I save all of my cottons and then when I'm out of dope and really want some, I put them all in a spoon, add a little water to them, and squish the crap out of them. Then as I'm squeezing the excess dope out of the cottons I'm simultaneously sucking up the mixture into a syringe that I then inject like normal. Sometimes - if I've saved up enough cottons - I get just as high from them as I would from doing an actual shot of dope.

   (***NEXT DAY NOW***) OK - Well that was yesterday anyway. Today I'm still out of money and out of shit. Thank God I work tonight! I've had 4 days off in a row which is too many! Fortunately a friend of mine is going to do me a favor and loan me some shit.

Quick Pointless Blurb

Stupid addictions are time consuming!
   It seems that I haven't posted in a while...I guess I've been busy gambling or trying to scrounge together money to gamble.
And somewhere in between I spend various amounts of time trying to find dope. That is a task which has actually proved super-annoying lately but only because I keep spending all my money gambling and don't save any cash to buy dope with. So then I have to try to get other people to get me high - which means I have to actually talk to people and hang out with them and stuff.... Geez.


Stupid addictions are time consuming (*sigh*) But on occasion they're fun too....

Easy Come Way Too Easy Go
    Ok, so my financial freedom lasted me all of two days before I'd managed to spend the remaining $250 I had on gambling.... 'Wow,' (I said to myself) 'My gambling addiction is WAY more out of control than I even realized'. It turns out that I have an even worse problem with gambling than I do with meth.

Who knew?
Time For A Change? (For Real This Time?)
    It appears that the time for action is (nearly) upon me... I'm going to have to man up, grow a backbone and start pretending like I have at least a little bit of willpower. I just CAN'T continue to live like this. And how am I going to be able to stand up to anyone or anything in my life if I can't start learning to stand up to myself?

Dammit it's time for a change.
Just not tonight....

Change Will Be Good....Sometime Later On...
    I don't know.... I had the most rotten night at work tonight, (I actually cried like a little girl, and I haven't cried at work in YEARS!!) As lame as I know that is to use that as an excuse, I'm going to anyway. I've already spent the little bit of money that I actually made from tips tonight buying myself a little ten sack of speed. The rest of my money is most likely going to go into the slot machines at the bar down the street.

Good News For Once

Money To Spare.... FINALLY!
   So finally I've got some things going for me financially. I just got my tax return today... $859 thank freaking God because I needed it!! I was able to pay back people that I owed money to (including the $65 that I owe my dope guy for fronting me shit a few times over the last week) One of my other house mates and I were finally able to go in and get the internet installed (I've been going NUTS without an internet connection lol) and I was even able to pay next month's rent EARLY! It is such a relief to be financially AHEAD for a change! And although I'm still "misbehaving" I'm at least not in debt and I finally have the money I need to buy myself some stuff for my new room... Like maybe a freaking dresser with drawers that I can put my clothes in instead of having them all strewn about inside my closet.
That's all for now... and on that note, I've got to do a shot. Geez...

Do I Ever Learn?

Aaarg! So here I am again back doing the same old bullshit that I did when I lived in Arizona. The main difference here is that the dope isn't as good. Seriously... I bought a freaking $20 bag off of this guy here who I've been getting it from and I swear to God the shit was freaking wet or something!! I don't know what the hell was going on with that shit. It was all weird and sticking together and shit.
And then there's the Oregon state lottery. Here in Oregon they have all these slot machines inside the bars. So the same games that I used to have to go to an Indian Reservation casino to play in Arizona are legal everywhere here. So naturally I've been blowing all my tips every night playing the stupid machines!!!!

Do I ever learn? Apparently not.....

Still Misbehaving...

Ok... so I've still been fucking up a little bit... not as bad as when I did when I lived in Arizona, but I definitely HAVE been shooting shit again off and on. I WILL say this: Meth in Oregon (Portland at least) fucking SUCKS. That's all I've really got time for right now.

Here's a video I took of me shooting a small shot into one of the veins on my boobs.

Long Time No Blog

Been A While....
  Wow! It's been forever since I've blogged. I just moved into a new place a couple of weeks ago and don't have an internet connection yet (I've been going through internet withdrawals!) so I've had a lot to blog but no way to blog it. Right now I'm at a friend's house mooching her internet connection off of her so I've got to make this kind of quick. First of all, I've fucked up a couple of times since I've been here in Portland. Things didn't work out with Skyler and I... I won't go into all the probably boring details right now, but I had to get my own place.

Fucking Up Again In New Tweakerland

So the new place I moved into is in this old house in an area of Portland that all the natives lovingly refer to as "Felony Flats". My landlord is this old, usually drunk guy named Dave who smokes pot occasionally and apparently who lets every tweaker in the neighborhood live on his property. There are about 3 motor homes on the property, and as far as I've seen, every one of them has people living in it. There are always shady people running around the property with flashlights conducting what I guess they think are incognito drug deals and "fixing" shit at all hours of the night. (cars, bikes etc)

    So long story short, on my way to work one day I stopped this dude who I'd seen around the area a lot and asked him if he knew where to get anything... And it was that fucking easy. Stupid me. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing because I WAS doing so good. But... well here I am again. In fact I just got some tonight, but I can't tell anyone that I'm on it because I don't actually hang out with anyone else that does it. So here I am again.. lying and up to my old tricks.. ***SIGH*** Well, there's more to share, but I can't right now. I've got to leave my friend's house and go catch the train back home..... More later I guess