Thursday, May 3, 2012

Repeatedly making the same bad decisions...

    So it's morning time now. I still haven't gone to sleep but I need to soon because if I don't get at least a few hours of sleep a night I'm a total airhead at work. And I can't afford to be making stupid mistakes at work. I got off of work last night and promptly went over to the bar right by my work and drank & gambled away (mostly gambled) the few tips that I made.
Yay me.
    And of course, when Bobby got out of jail last week I naturally went right back to acting like we were a couple again. Then after a few days, I started to feel that worn-out-need-a-break-from-you feeling again and Bobby just wants me to hang out with him all the time. I don't remember what it's like to want to be around someone else that much. Is there something wrong with me?
   Regardless I'd pretty much had it with Bobby time after about 4 days. I'll admit that I definitely DO like falling asleep and waking up next to him. But there's just too much other crap... Like the fact he doesn't have a job, or his own place. And that he's so controlling and possessive... and he's also a freaking racist which annoys me. He says he doesn't really have a problem with black people until black guys try to talk to a white chick and then he gets super pissed. What the fuck is that all about? We got in this ridiculous fight because I said hello at the bar to this black guy "T-Bone". Bobby knew that this guy T-Bone had been calling and texting me a while back and as soon as he realized that the dude at the bar was T-Bone he was about ready to go off on him. He wanted to know if I'd ever gone over to T-Bone's house or hung out alone with him and when I said no, that I'd only called him one time looking for dope, I seriously thought that Bobby's head was going to explode. He was super pissed at me for calling a black dude for dope and even more pissed at T-Bone for trying to get it for me.... or I guess for ever talking to me at all.
   That was just a couple of nights ago. The real fun and excitement happened a night or two later (the night before last)when Bobby was just fucking all upset and angry. He was just in a MOOD when I saw him and it got worse as the night progressed. I had to talk him down from starting fights with two seperate people just because he didn't like the way they were looking at me, or the way they were talking to me.... stupid shit like that. And we ended up getting in a big fight where I ended up telling him (yet again) that I didn't want a relationship with him or anyone else and that things weren't going to work between us.
He got mad
He Cried
He got mad again.
He cried again, pleaded with me, threatened me, tried to guilt me into taking him back, bargained with me, and then got mad again.
Then he just let me know that if he sees me hanging out with ANY other guys that he'll kill the mother fuckers.
   So, now I'm back to sqaure 2 with Bobby again. I suspect that breaking up with him is going to be harder this time than last time. But surprisingly he didn't call my phone even once yesterday. That is the longest he's ever gone without trying to call me (not counting when he was in jail for a few days.) I have to admit that this time I'm more emotionally attached to him then I was a couple of weeks ago, and I miss him a little again. But I can't keep going with Bobby because I can see which direction this relationship is headed and I know that it's only going to get worse. And I've already done so much bad decision making this year... I'm way past my quota. And since I don't seem to be ready to quit the gambling, or quit doing the shit, at least I can try to quit Bobby.
   As for gambling and dope, well, I spent all my tips last night on the poker machines and it's 7:30 in the morning and I haven't even been to sleep yet - so what does that say about my smart decision-making? (Or lack thereof?) I know that eventually (that's the key word there - a word that vaguely refers to some future time other than now) I'm going to have to change my evil ways. I don't want to find myself 40 years old and still waiting tables and shooting dope. I just don't want to quit today... or tomorrow...or the day after that.... or the day after that............

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