Sunday, December 16, 2012

Bye Bobby Hello Craziness and New Heartbreak

Bobby's Gone For Now...

So I've really been putting off posting lately just because so much has happened that I don't even know where to start. So first of all, Bobby's in prison. I sort of had a hand in sending him there (which I still feel guilty about.) I ended up having him arrested twice in one night. The first time they released him right away and I had no idea, so when I got home from work a couple of hours later, he was in my room waiting for me.... and pissed off.

   That was the second time I called the cops on him, and he hasn't been out of jail since. And even though the official charge that sent him to prison was a 'Theft 1' charge, I know that he'd finally gotten so many other little charges in such a short period of time that the D.A. offered him a deal to plead guilty to the Theft 1 charge and do his 13 months, and have all his other charges dismissed which is what he did.


   And now of course the funny thing is that I miss him... a lot more lately since I just had my heart stepped on and crushed by this other guy recently.... (more on that later) But when Bobby went away, I actually went off the deep end - started staying up for 2 & 3 days in a row and whatnot. And hey, that was all fine and dandy when I was like 24, but nowadays anything more than a day and I feel like a 90-year old woman, not to mention that I'm OUT OF IT. Being so spacey at work didn't really do me any favors. I'm pretty sure that I've got at least 2 or 3 (of the 4 others that work here at the bar) wondering about me and my "extracurricular activities" So as of this weekend, I'm really trying to pull the reins in on myself and start acting like, well, not-a-tweaker again.

All Sorts of Men Except the One I Want

   So after Bobby went away, needless to say, guys started coming out of the freaking woodwork!! Geez. I've never experienced anything quite like that before, where just everywhere I went people who'd I never even thought twice about were telling me that they've secretly always been attracted to me, or had noticed me but didn't ever introduce themselves because of Bobby. One guy, Frank and I hung out for quite a bit, and I tried REALLY hard to like this guy, ended up sleeping with him multiple times, and staying at his house and whatnot... but when it came down to it, Frank wasn't right for me.... For one thing he didn't know anything about shit and I had to always hide it from him. And honestly as mean as it sounds, I think the biggest part of the draw to him was the fact that he had a lot of money... and a steady well-paying job. Isn't that horrible?

Even though I REALLY did care for the guy (Frank), in the end it turned out he was just a big dork kind of - sort of annoying when he'd had too many beers (one of those says stupid things that HE thinks are super funny but are just kind of dumb kind of people) But he helped me out with $400 in rent that I was behind (fucking gambling!!) and he took me to Multnomah Falls for the first time. And I'm certain that if I could just make myself like him more than I do, I'd never have to worry about finances and would probably get to travel to some pretty cool places... But unfortunately he's just a little too smothery-clingy when we're in public (i.e. when we'd go gamble, he'd give me money to play but then would be back every five minutes to stand behind my shoulder and watch which I HATE it when people do!)

Then along came Jay....

   long story longer there were several guys who I kissed and went on "dates" with... and just hung out with. But the one that caught my attention most was Jay.... I've got to wrap this up for tonight, so I'll give a quick summary:

  1. He pursued the crap out of me
  2. I sort of didn't really pay that much attention to him at first
  3. I started hanging out with him more
  4. Slept with him (really good in bed... and really well endowed Sheesh!)
  5. Everything went so smoothly and seemed to flow so easily between us. There was a level of comfort there as if we'd been together for years and not just weeks
  6. He came to visit me at work one day, and while doing so sat down at a poker machine
  7. The girl he was sitting next to, (stupid fucking whore named Marissa) started flirting with him - something I noticed and was SLIGHTLY disconcerted about, but was trying not to read too much into
  8. Just like that he was hooked - I guess he's totally into Marissa now. It all happened so quickly...

The whole Marissa thing is so weird, I couldn't believe that just like that he'd throw away the cool connection we had, the good sex, all the things in common and..... grrr... it has crushed me and left me feeling broken... I hate thinking about the fact that SHE's now sleeping on what he had started jokingly referring to as my side of the bed. And she gets to have him snuggle with her at night (ok sounds cheesy, I know, but he was a good cuddler and always demanded that we did) Stupid fucking bitch... both of them!!! FUCK!!!
There is, of course, more to the story, but like I said I've got to cut this short.


    So you know what going through this has made me realize? That I didn't appreciate what I had with Bobby when I had it... Yes he was controlling and jealous and could be violent at times - but his abuse was physical and after going through all this stupid heart-wrenching drama with Jay, I must say that I'd rather break my arm than have my heart broken..... physical pain I can DEAL WITH!

    The thing about Bobby is that if he were just to get a job, I don't think that now we'd have half the fights that we DID... I'm finally reaching a point where I want to CHANGE and break away from all of this self-destructive crap... which Bobby would be on board with me in a heartbeat.
   That was the thing about Bobby, no matter what he said or did, I NEVER ONCE had to doubt his love for me. And whether or not I admitted it, I really did love him. He was surprisingly sensitive for such a "tough guy" and was always really good at trying to communicate with me what it is he wanted and tried to get me to communicate with him what I wanted. And whether I agreed with him or not, or whether or not I wanted it, I have to admit that nearly EVERYTHING Bobby did was with me or us in mind... he always thought he had my best interests at heart. So.... I'm currently in the process of writing him a letter. Something to tell him how much I miss him and that I think about him a lot and maybe MAYBE, MAYBE want to work things out when he's released in June...

So am I totally crazy? I might be. Anyway I've got to get home and get to bed, because I already overslept this morning and was two and a half hours late for work... which didn't please my boss at all. Night all... and thanks so much for everyone who's sent concerned emails and comments, checking to see if I was ok and/or giving me their input. It's always good to hear from others.
Till next time....


Anonymous said...

bobby is not what you need you got rid of him now stay rid of him or to put in lay mans terms dont be a idiot no offence

Carrion Doll said...

Bobby did not actually have you in mind. Trust me, I have read all your posts about him and he sounds JUST like my husband of 15 years. I have wasted so many years with him and put myself and my kids through abuse because I believed he had us in mind. It is just another excuse for their bad behavior. You miss him now because he isn't around and you have no one else to occupy your mind. What Jay did was seriously douchey. The kind of guy who would do that is not the kind of guy you want. Yeah you guys had great sex and a great connection at first. That was before his true colors showed. If you had stayed with him he would have done something else equally douchey. You have got to see these guys for what they are hun. You are better than that, even if that is hard for you to believe now. Trust me, I have been there. Don't forget the way you felt when Bobby was around. Yiu will feel that way again and kick yourself for letting him back around when you had him gone. But if he is gone for 13 months hopefully that will give you enough time to find someone else.