Thursday, July 21, 2011

Welcome Back Jack And Other Thoughts

Well the day after my last post -- I ended up wasting an entire day waiting for my friend Scott to bring me something.   First he said that he'd have to do it on his way to work so I'd have to be up and ready to meet him by 6:45 in the morning.  Of course it didn't matter that I made sure to be ready since HE didn't even wake up until 10:30 in the morning. (So he had to go straight to work)  
    Then he was supposed to meet me around 1:30 and something else happened which also ended up not happening.  After that he called me around close to 3:00 and said that he was going to run an errand for work in about 20 minutes so he'd swing by (nope never did.)
    After that he SWORE that he was going to bring it to me at work.  But while I was there I didn't hear from him and I couldn't get a hold of him.  Finally  he called me shortly before I was finished at work and said he'd be there in 15...... 20 minutes later I got a text saying that his car wouldn't start....Keep in mind that this was all for a freaking 10 sack!!   
    So after all that, I was fucking frustrated, pissed off and fed up and I'd had enough.  I was sick of dealing with all of these crappy flaky people.  When I got home from work I sent Jack a long and apologetic text asking him if he could ever forgive me (for doing nothing but I didn't say that part.) And the next day (yesterday) I met up with Jack again and thank freaking God for that.  I got a decent bag of decent shit for a decent price.  
   Of course, I'm not completely oblivious to the fact that the last few days prior to getting back in sync with Jack were the longest I've been clean in MONTHS.  That's kind of scary and the thought DID cross my mind that since I'd already had almost 3 days clean that maybe I should just suck it up and continue to ride the wave and just not get anymore shit.  Of course I quickly dismissed such a reasonable and constructive idea. (I just chocked up that crazy "rational thinking" to the chemical imbalance my brain was suffering due to going 3 days without using.)
    Seriously though, I was looking back over some of my earlier blogs from when I was still on parole and JUST starting to do meth a lot again.  And in one I mention that "it's been a few weeks now since I've gone longer than a day or two without getting high."    Then I go on to say "I have to come down eventually and stay that way for a while......This is not a path I want to keep walking down."
   It's weird how quickly I've shifted out of that cautious mentality and completely back into full-on tweaker mode.  I mean back then I was at least still pretending everyday that it was going to be the last last day that I would do any shit and then I was going to quit again (Yeah - see how well that worked for me?)  
    Shit - I was only smoking it at the time too.  I hadn't used a needle since before I went to prison in 2009.  Now needles are the ONLY way I do it..  I don't even have a pipe.... And when I look back at my previous entries, it's weird because I can see exactly when that changed and how quickly it did.
    I leave off in March talking about how the way I'd really like to do the dope I had left would be to shoot it.  But I didn't have any rigs, and I say something about how that's OK because I don't want to open up that whole can of worms blah blah blah.... Then in my very next entry (which isn't until a month later) I talked about how I'd just gotten another pack of new syringes because the needles I'd been using were so freaking dull that I was bruising the crap out of myself.  
     So.... this is all rather disconcerting.  The craziest part about it is that it seems like that was a LONG time ago - but really it was only 4 months.  
    So what?  What does this all mean?  I have no freaking idea.  No - really it means that I need to come up with some sort of plan soon.  Otherwise I'll stay here in my 'Gee-it's-too-bad-that-I'm-a-tweaker-and-not-doing-anything-with-my-life-but-it's-ok-for-now-as-long-as-I'm-high'  mode.  (That's an official psychiatric term, I swear.) 
    What kind of plan?  I don't know..... That's my main problem really; that I don't know what it is that I want anymore so I instead just don't do anything.  I don't know - I probably need to set some sort of short term goals for myself I guess.  The last goal I set for myself was to get a job, and that went pretty well.  I just don't know what..... Ok - so my FIRST goal is I'm going to give myself 1 week to establish a goal for myself - I have NO idea what.  But it will have to be something constructive that will ultimately contribute to improving my life.
    Ok - so I realize this is all kind of cheezy but so what?  I'm cheezy... and I've got to do something different than the same tweaker/wasting my life away bullshit that I've done for the past few years.  
(Easy for me to say right now because I know that I've still got a bag of dope.)  


-PrincessAddiction1031 said...

Random Girl,
First off, I want to say you are definately not alone. I often put up the whole "I'm doing great, lying to everyone I love, but its okay as long as its only me having to deal with it...and its easier to deal with life when I'm high" mode. I have to get high, then when I come down I feel guilty, so I wanna fix the guilt so I get high again... My boyfriend is 28, and has been off/on for years...He is really having the same problems. He just got kicked out of his house, and i've been helping him as much as I can. We did some "real" shit last night. And smoked, instead of shot. It felt good, it was different. He's decided he is done with doing it, and so did I..Hopefully for real this time. But like you, we feel that we won't do it and the reason we've made this decision is cuz were high. LOL. Of ncourse were breaking a major rule...A drug addict can't date another drug addict. We want to prove everyone wrong. Now, because he makes it to where I don't have to play the waiting game..It makes it even harder on me. I am so young and haven't been addicted long. I have goals...Bjut don't put actions on them unless i'm high. I jus wanted to say I believe in you, just like /I believe in myself, and my boyfriend. WE CAN DO IT. Your fist should try to SLOW DOWN a bit. Try it a different way. The needle is a hard one, I KNOW. I use it to vent, which is the worse thhing to do. I through one away the other night (my last one) and then decided to Break it in half and litterally tell it, it doesn't own me. I believe in you, you can be anything you want. It's not too late you ain't dead or in jail. Atleast you got a job, thats more then I can say. I believe in you, and i encourage you to try...YOU CAN DO IT!!! Read on my blog. "An addiction doesn't rean you still do it, it means you KNOW you can't just do it that *one time*"...But only YOU can decide that. Anyways, I wanted to say I LOVE YOU! :) DONT GIVE UP. I truely hope we can help eachother get through this stupid shit. Well, I'm still up from last night...At 7:44am. So My man and I are gunna go for a walk at the park and try to keep our mind off the stress....Tonight we'll have our come down....then the battle begins once again.

Give Hugs: Not do Drugs... LOL!!!!!,

Anonymous said...

I just want to say I am in love with your blog! Hope you are still trying to accomplish those goals you set for yourself. I can totally relate to some of the things you say. But hey don't think that if you don't get spun anymore you can't keep your blog. Just write about something else that you are in love with like dope.