Hercules and the Fire

Up In Smoke -     So I finally got all of my stuff moved out of my old place and into the place that was to be my next home, albeit a temporary home. I just didn't know how temporary. The VERY DAY AFTER I got all of my stuff moved into this house, the house caught fire and burned up everything that I own. EVERYTHING.
    This was the most unexpected thing that could've happened... talk about life throwing a curve ball. This isn't the kind of thing that you ever think will happen to you; it's the kind of thing that you see on the news that happens to strangers and people you don't know.
Electrical fire is what they think.
It's so weird, because one day I had all my stuff, and the next day I had NOTHING. And the guy whose house I was moving into ("T-Bone") was so frazzled I guess that when the Red Cross responders came to the scene and interviewed him, they asked him who all lived there, (I hadn't stayed there even yet, just had all my stuff there) and he said just TWO people lived there - him and his brother! So now I'm getting the runaround from the Red Cross because they think that I'm just some person trying to scam them. SO FRUSTRATING!!!

My Hero Hercules So thankfully through all of this, I've had the love and support of my sweet and wonderful man, Hercules. (Yes that's really his birth-given name lol) I guess I've been so preoccupied with everything that I haven't really written anything about him. But he's awesome. It's all happened so fast with him, we were hanging out on and off, sex thrown in there somewhere, and both of us have adamantly been saying that we don't want relationships. Then the next thing you know.... lol, anyway, this whole disaster has really put us to the test, and I have to say that I'm glad. He and I not only talk easily with one another, but we both have similar goals in where we want to go in life. And there's nothing I couldn't tell him.
   We both have addictions that we're battling. Mine of course is the gambling and the meth. His.... well, his is a little more serious. At least, I think so. Hercules, (Herc, as I call him) is addicted to heroin. This is weird for me because even though I'm a tweaker and no stranger to drug addiction, I've never really had a tolerance for people who do heroin. I've always just felt and seen that while tweakers will often do some fucking scandalous shit when they're jonesing, heroin addicts will fucking do pretty much ANYTHING to ANYBODY in order to get a fix that will keep them from getting dope sick. And when Herc and I started hanging out, I thought that was definitely going to be a dealbreaker as far as our relationship progressing to anything more serious. But the more we hung out, and the more we got to know each other, BOTH of us found that this thing was bigger than us, and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. FORTUNATELY, he's fallen equally in love with me, and even though we've only been together a couple of months, I honestly feel as if I've met the person I'll spend the rest of my life with.
I would lose all my possessions and belongings all over again a dozen times if it meant that I could have Hercules in my life. And as I suddenly found myself homeless and EVERYTHING-less, Herc stepped up like a champ and has been so supportive and he's done it without question. Because of this situation, we've sort of been hurled together into this domestic living situation; gone from living as single people to suddenly sharing a trailer. And not like a mobile home type trailer, but a TRAILER like the kind you pull behind a truck. So it's close quarters, just he and I and my precious little Frankie cat (who Herc tells people is "our cat")
    Well that's all for now. I realize I've been SUPER SLACKING as far as blogging goes. But I plan to start writing regularly again. As for now it's time for me to do a shot of speed... my addiction calls.....    (But I can't answer forever....)

Change is the Only Fucking Constant... Stupid Change

So Ok Where the fuck do I even begin? Well for starters, I'm getting evicted. Not because of anything I did or anything. My landlord had to undergo surgery to have a part of his lung removed and afterwards he got bad DT's and an infection and eventually was in a coma for 3 weeks. Meanwhile, his son (aka the Douchebag)gave everyone who lives at the house the boot. "30 Day Termination Without Cause" was the official note that was posted on my door. I still haven't really found another place to live, and my time is growing alarmingly short, but I'm trying to just remain calm.... hmmm.... Of course I haven't packed a damn thing... I'm one of those last minute packers, I tell myself everytime that I'm not going to procrastinate, but everytime, without fail, there I am at the last minute frantically throwing things into boxes and garbage bags lol. (More later)
(Much more)

Bye Bobby Hello Craziness and New Heartbreak

Bobby's Gone For Now...

So I've really been putting off posting lately just because so much has happened that I don't even know where to start. So first of all, Bobby's in prison. I sort of had a hand in sending him there (which I still feel guilty about.) I ended up having him arrested twice in one night. The first time they released him right away and I had no idea, so when I got home from work a couple of hours later, he was in my room waiting for me.... and pissed off.

   That was the second time I called the cops on him, and he hasn't been out of jail since. And even though the official charge that sent him to prison was a 'Theft 1' charge, I know that he'd finally gotten so many other little charges in such a short period of time that the D.A. offered him a deal to plead guilty to the Theft 1 charge and do his 13 months, and have all his other charges dismissed which is what he did.

   

   And now of course the funny thing is that I miss him... a lot more lately since I just had my heart stepped on and crushed by this other guy recently.... (more on that later) But when Bobby went away, I actually went off the deep end - started staying up for 2 & 3 days in a row and whatnot. And hey, that was all fine and dandy when I was like 24, but nowadays anything more than a day and I feel like a 90-year old woman, not to mention that I'm OUT OF IT. Being so spacey at work didn't really do me any favors. I'm pretty sure that I've got at least 2 or 3 (of the 4 others that work here at the bar) wondering about me and my "extracurricular activities" So as of this weekend, I'm really trying to pull the reins in on myself and start acting like, well, not-a-tweaker again.

All Sorts of Men Except the One I Want

   So after Bobby went away, needless to say, guys started coming out of the freaking woodwork!! Geez. I've never experienced anything quite like that before, where just everywhere I went people who'd I never even thought twice about were telling me that they've secretly always been attracted to me, or had noticed me but didn't ever introduce themselves because of Bobby. One guy, Frank and I hung out for quite a bit, and I tried REALLY hard to like this guy, ended up sleeping with him multiple times, and staying at his house and whatnot... but when it came down to it, Frank wasn't right for me.... For one thing he didn't know anything about shit and I had to always hide it from him. And honestly as mean as it sounds, I think the biggest part of the draw to him was the fact that he had a lot of money... and a steady well-paying job. Isn't that horrible?

Even though I REALLY did care for the guy (Frank), in the end it turned out he was just a big dork kind of - sort of annoying when he'd had too many beers (one of those says stupid things that HE thinks are super funny but are just kind of dumb kind of people) But he helped me out with $400 in rent that I was behind (fucking gambling!!) and he took me to Multnomah Falls for the first time. And I'm certain that if I could just make myself like him more than I do, I'd never have to worry about finances and would probably get to travel to some pretty cool places... But unfortunately he's just a little too smothery-clingy when we're in public (i.e. when we'd go gamble, he'd give me money to play but then would be back every five minutes to stand behind my shoulder and watch which I HATE it when people do!)

Then along came Jay....

   long story longer there were several guys who I kissed and went on "dates" with... and just hung out with. But the one that caught my attention most was Jay.... I've got to wrap this up for tonight, so I'll give a quick summary:

1. He pursued the crap out of me
I sort of didn't really pay that much attention to him at first
2. I started hanging out with him more
3. Slept with him (really good in bed... and really well endowed Sheesh!)
4. Everything went so smoothly and seemed to flow so easily between us. There was a level of comfort there as if we'd been together for years and not just weeks
5. He came to visit me at work one day, and while doing so sat down at a poker machine
6. The girl he was sitting next to, (stupid fucking whore named Marissa) started flirting with him - something I noticed and was SLIGHTLY disconcerted about, but was trying not to read too much into
7. Just like that he was hooked - I guess he's totally into Marissa now. It all happened so quickly...

The whole Marissa thing is so weird, I couldn't believe that just like that he'd throw away the cool connection we had, the good sex, all the things in common and..... grrr... it has crushed me and left me feeling broken... I hate thinking about the fact that SHE's now sleeping on what he had started jokingly referring to as my side of the bed. And she gets to have him snuggle with her at night (ok sounds cheesy, I know, but he was a good cuddler and always demanded that we did) Stupid fucking bitch... both of them!!! FUCK!!!
There is, of course, more to the story, but like I said I've got to cut this short.

**SIGH**

    So you know what going through this has made me realize? That I didn't appreciate what I had with Bobby when I had it... Yes he was controlling and jealous and could be violent at times - but his abuse was physical and after going through all this stupid heart-wrenching drama with Jay, I must say that I'd rather break my arm than have my heart broken..... physical pain I can DEAL WITH!

    The thing about Bobby is that if he were just to get a job, I don't think that now we'd have half the fights that we DID... I'm finally reaching a point where I want to CHANGE and break away from all of this self-destructive crap... which Bobby would be on board with me in a heartbeat.
   That was the thing about Bobby, no matter what he said or did, I NEVER ONCE had to doubt his love for me. And whether or not I admitted it, I really did love him. He was surprisingly sensitive for such a "tough guy" and was always really good at trying to communicate with me what it is he wanted and tried to get me to communicate with him what I wanted. And whether I agreed with him or not, or whether or not I wanted it, I have to admit that nearly EVERYTHING Bobby did was with me or us in mind... he always thought he had my best interests at heart. So.... I'm currently in the process of writing him a letter. Something to tell him how much I miss him and that I think about him a lot and maybe MAYBE, MAYBE want to work things out when he's released in June...

So am I totally crazy? I might be. Anyway I've got to get home and get to bed, because I already overslept this morning and was two and a half hours late for work... which didn't please my boss at all. Night all... and thanks so much for everyone who's sent concerned emails and comments, checking to see if I was ok and/or giving me their input. It's always good to hear from others.
Till next time....