Sunday, February 17, 2013

Hercules and the Fire

Up In Smoke -     So I finally got all of my stuff moved out of my old place and into the place that was to be my next home, albeit a temporary home. I just didn't know how temporary. The VERY DAY AFTER I got all of my stuff moved into this house, the house caught fire and burned up everything that I own. EVERYTHING.
    This was the most unexpected thing that could've happened... talk about life throwing a curve ball. This isn't the kind of thing that you ever think will happen to you; it's the kind of thing that you see on the news that happens to strangers and people you don't know.
Electrical fire is what they think.
It's so weird, because one day I had all my stuff, and the next day I had NOTHING. And the guy whose house I was moving into ("T-Bone") was so frazzled I guess that when the Red Cross responders came to the scene and interviewed him, they asked him who all lived there, (I hadn't stayed there even yet, just had all my stuff there) and he said just TWO people lived there - him and his brother! So now I'm getting the runaround from the Red Cross because they think that I'm just some person trying to scam them. SO FRUSTRATING!!!

My Hero Hercules So thankfully through all of this, I've had the love and support of my sweet and wonderful man, Hercules. (Yes that's really his birth-given name lol) I guess I've been so preoccupied with everything that I haven't really written anything about him. But he's awesome. It's all happened so fast with him, we were hanging out on and off, sex thrown in there somewhere, and both of us have adamantly been saying that we don't want relationships. Then the next thing you know.... lol, anyway, this whole disaster has really put us to the test, and I have to say that I'm glad. He and I not only talk easily with one another, but we both have similar goals in where we want to go in life. And there's nothing I couldn't tell him.
   We both have addictions that we're battling. Mine of course is the gambling and the meth. His.... well, his is a little more serious. At least, I think so. Hercules, (Herc, as I call him) is addicted to heroin. This is weird for me because even though I'm a tweaker and no stranger to drug addiction, I've never really had a tolerance for people who do heroin. I've always just felt and seen that while tweakers will often do some fucking scandalous shit when they're jonesing, heroin addicts will fucking do pretty much ANYTHING to ANYBODY in order to get a fix that will keep them from getting dope sick. And when Herc and I started hanging out, I thought that was definitely going to be a dealbreaker as far as our relationship progressing to anything more serious. But the more we hung out, and the more we got to know each other, BOTH of us found that this thing was bigger than us, and I couldn't help but fall in love with him. FORTUNATELY, he's fallen equally in love with me, and even though we've only been together a couple of months, I honestly feel as if I've met the person I'll spend the rest of my life with.
I would lose all my possessions and belongings all over again a dozen times if it meant that I could have Hercules in my life. And as I suddenly found myself homeless and EVERYTHING-less, Herc stepped up like a champ and has been so supportive and he's done it without question. Because of this situation, we've sort of been hurled together into this domestic living situation; gone from living as single people to suddenly sharing a trailer. And not like a mobile home type trailer, but a TRAILER like the kind you pull behind a truck. So it's close quarters, just he and I and my precious little Frankie cat (who Herc tells people is "our cat")
    Well that's all for now. I realize I've been SUPER SLACKING as far as blogging goes. But I plan to start writing regularly again. As for now it's time for me to do a shot of speed... my addiction calls.....    (But I can't answer forever....)


Anonymous said...

First off, I want to say, I love reading your blog. I can see myself in you. I too suffer from a meth addiction. I did have some clean time under my belt and the only reason I was clean was because I was pregnant. My question do YOU know it's time to call it quits? Part of me wants to and the other part doesn't. I make sure I'm sleeping and eating some and trying to get those vitamens in some way and staying hydrated but when will I know enough is enough and it's time to clean up?

Anonymous said...

I just want to say I've been up all night reading our blog and feels like I know you now Hope all Is Well just kickin it here in Utah got to piss on Monday ive heard a lot about soda keep your head up girl you seem like a good woman that any man would be lucky to have if herc don't work out you should come down to Utah lol we got the fire

Anonymous said...

okay well here i go....i been reading your blog for a while. i am quite skeptical and all i have to say is if it doesnt work you are a stupid waste of paper but also the virtual space your blog is on ......if not????? ....ill bow down..... i spent 40-. on a drug test lets hope you are right

Anonymous said...

you are a stupid waste of paper and a waste of virtual space you big fat piece of shit not only doesnt the baking soda not work it keeps you from being able to sweat so not only are you dirty you are dirty longer you fucking jerk

Markus Rose said...

just discovered your blog. hope you are alive. if you ever decide that you want to live with some dignity and self-respect, that you hate being an addict more than you love getting high, I recommend that you check out narcotics anonymous. Not rehab and not AA and not CMA. In NA, you will treat the disease of addiction, of which your tweaking is just one manifestation. I recommend 90 meetings in 90 days. Won't cost you a cent. Its a 100 percent solution but ONLY if you hate being an addict more than you love getting high.

Chell said...

Thank you for being so honest in your blog. Ignore the people that love to judge. You are fighting a terrible disease, and I wish you all the luck.

When you are ready, you use what will work for you to keep clean. Look forward to you next blog.

Anonymous said...

I am so worried about failing my UA on Tuesday...I have heard it works using soda but damn if I fail it's prison time. I don't understand why I just can't quit and be done and free from troubles.likely because I am Forced. It's also really hard when my fiancé also uses. Thats not an excuse nor do I put any blame on her it's just alot easier to do and continue to do despite the severe consequences. Which is completely fucking stupid of me..I never would have believed this would be me ten years ago when I started regularly doing I have added brown to the daily levels of likes or wants that then become needs..crazy thing is that I can function fairly normal and work as a professional with professional results. But due to lower life stealing piece of shit got all his crimes against other people dropped by begging me to get him some shards while lying about wanting me to help him bid a couple houses..fixed his car for him let him borrow my equipment..all the while he is wearing a wire and his every and only real intention was to get me to go get him a bag so I can get delivery felonies. While he goes free. Meanwhile I am in and out of jail and treatment facilitys due to not being able to just fucking stop on my own. I have no problem not doing it while in jail or treatment in fact feeling convinced I won't fuck up again and get another violation..but never fails after a very short while here I am trying to find another way to save my ass again. Only this time I have no more chances...the judge said it's straight to prison which I really thought would cure me...but apparently I am not to fuckin smart enough to conform to their demands and restrictions they put on me..while the guy who robs people goes free..that's some fucked up justice cuz this guy set me uP so dirty so that he could walk free. Anyhow here I am down to the last resort..last chance..hoping and maybe even try praying even though I'm nOt very worthy of an answered Prayer for this since I can't sem to keep my commitments to god by continuing to keep using. Anyhow..wish me luck cuz it's about all I have to rely On..and if it's anything near the luck I have had at the casinos....I AM FUCKED :-) I smile here..but inside there is no smile to be found..peace..I truly hope a miracle wOrks for me with baking soda like apparently it has and does for you..granted it's all truth..which based off what I have read seems to be...

Anonymous said...

I'm a 42 year old biker being doing meth off and on for 20
Years. I finally made up my mind to stop. Don't have the money, sick of the drama, the way it makes me look and act
feel. I was sick and wore out. Trust me I miss my friends
But most don't even ride Harley's. as soon as I stopped none of them speak to me now. Not real friends at all.
I haven't felt this good in a year of daily snorting and
smoking. Drink my coffee if I need to get going, drink my
Coors light and smoke my little cigars. I got a great job, website, great girlfriend, house , car. Meth or any subtance can take that away. It's easy to over come convince your self. Stay busy, make admends
Start to heal. Work hard reclaim your life. I do care if any
One needs support contact me at or on

Thank you

Anonymous said...

Im sorry but I just felt an urge to respond to this. I just turned 25 and have been a opiate/meth addict for almost 4 years (IV USE). I found out I had Hep C within the first six months of shooting, I have lost my son twice, miscarried once, lost all of my material things to my addiction and now it appears to be that I am going to spend a few years with the state to serve the consequences of my addiction. I have been to rehab six times, completed 3. Nothing I listed above was enough to make me want to stop. None of the rehabs worked because I never wanted to stop. One morning I woke up after a series of unfortunate events and realized that the needle wasnt going to run my life anymore, nor the drugs. That is when I stopped (For the most part), I have used a few times over the last 6 months a relapse here or there but overall I am doing better now then I have in years. I am more then likely going to prison, for awhile, I still do not have my five year old son, I still have Hep C, no ride, you can get the picture but nothing is enough to get me back where I was a year ago, or two. Everyones bottom is different, something catastrophic to me didnt phase shit but the most minor of events got me thinking. Yesterday was the first time I smoked any (Dont forget I am a shooter through an through) in months. Just for the hell of it. Well today they called my color for my random UA, which I am dirty, and just not going. I come across your blog looking for ways to flush my system. So now I have just handed over whatever relationship I had left with my son to hit a pipe a few times. It isnt worth it, I hope you will find "Your bottom" before its too late. I always thought my bottom was overdose, thankfully it wasnt. Good luck

ricky bobby said...

I need help passing a UA TODAY been smoking all night gonna do my last hotrail now how can I pass

Anonymous said...

I am recently coming back from a binge that I cant even really remember what all I did...I have two children a new baby girl who is almost five months and a little boy who is ten and I have battled with addiction for many many years and I haven't had a chance to read all of your blogs but it really takes courage to share what you are going through so I give you props on that and I want to read more and I am not here to judge you or lecture you or anything but I understand I do...I came into a life of drugs not purposely it was something that allowed me not to feel plus I loved the high not so much the feeling the next day but I had to come to a place where something inside of me said enough is enough I wanted something better for my life today and I don't believe that God would want this life for I have been doing whatever it takes to fight for my chance to live and to raise my children so I pray for you and hope that you are okay and find your self worth in all of this and love yourself enough to give yourself a chance..god bless you