Exhausted.... Frankie and Fighting

Frankie

So just a short entry this time.... I found out just last week that my sweet loving little cat, Frankie has cancer. I am heartbroken and feeling helpless because he has a tumor that the vet says isn't really removable at his age... It is on his one of his back legs and I'm so sad because he just limps around now and it breaks my heart. I've always been able before to fix him by taking him to the vet and this is the first time that I can't do anything for him. I can barely afford his pain medication, (but thankfully my mom came through and paid for it.) Let alone the cytology lab work that I want to have done where they'll analyze the sample of tissue that they did a biopsy of and be able to tell what kind of cancer he has. The reason that's even important at all is that way the vet will know if there's any way to possibly slow the cancer down. I'm exhausted from crying over what I feel is more or less a death sentence for my closest and sweetest, dear companion. 15 years I've had Frankie with me.... I'm 33 years old today, so that's damn near half my life. So.. I'm crying now and need to change subjects...

Fighting

The other main thing going on now has just been the constant turmoil and fighting, screaming, yelling, hating and tormenting that is the relationship that I now have with Jeff. I am SO exhausted from fighting with him... and fighting and fighting.... I remember a blog not so very long ago where he swooped in and was my knight in shining t-shirt after the fire. And I remember how good and amazing a man I thought he was. And what has happened to that man? I'm so very tired of the man I am with now. He is so completely different and selfish and incredibly self-centered and ARROGANT.... granted I haven't been the perfect girlfriend. And I know that I too have changed. But I still feel like I act more out of love than out of hate and I don't feel that he does the same... I also blame heroin for a lot of his selfish behavior now... I always said I would NEVER date someone who used heroin and I broke that rule for him... and now.. do I regret all this time with him? No. But I feel as if I'm in another DOOMED relationship and I'm so angry at him for leading me to think that he was different... and that he might be the guy who I could spend the rest of my life with (and I really thought that! I don't just think that with every guy.)

Anyway today has been another day of ruthless, angry, hateful below the belt fighting.... and as I might have mentioned, I'm exhausted. :-(

Where the $#@ has Random Girl Been?!!

Random Girl! Where the f*#@ have you been?!! -- SO... I can't believe that I've actually gone this long without really writing anything in my blog. It's stupid because I think that so often over the past couple of years, writing in this blog has kept me a little more sane. And I just haven't done it in so long... So I opted for insanity? Hmmm sounds about right

But no seriously where the hell have you been? -- Well first of all there have been a lot of you who've sent me a lot of concerned emails - hoping I wasn't in jail or back in prison or perhaps something worse (like sober... lol just kidding.... sort of). I thank those of you for your concern.... that's pretty cool.

Well actually I'm still living in Portland, OR. I've currently got a warrant out for my arrest (because I'm an idiot), I'm STILL unemployed, and still with Hercules who, from this point on I'm going to refer to as "Jeff" because his is just to uncommon of a name and I'd like to at least TRY to maintain a certain level of anonymity. (And this world's too small as it is)

So anyway, Jeff and I are still together... barely..... fucking one thing I can say about meth is that no matter WHO I've been in a relationship with, if we were/are using, the relationship has NOT gone smoothly. And it's been so long since I've been in a relationship WITHOUT drugs involved - God have I ever been? There's always been SOME sort of drugs or at the very least, alcohol involved. I think the last time I was in a relationship that didn't involve a substantial amount of drugs or alcohol was when I was 17/18 and I dated this guy who was in the Air Force and kind of had his shit together, and was hard working and just was an overall "good guy" (Cheers to you Than, wherever you are these days).... Did that last? Of course not! Why? Because I thought he was BORING!! (not enough drugs and/or drama since apparently that's what I seem to go for)

So, long story short, Jeff and I sure do fight a lot. And I'll leave it at that. I will however say that when he and I are getting along (which is also a lot somehow) we REALLY get along. He is somebody that at times I could totally picture myself spending the rest of my life with. Of course he's a fucking heroin addict - cuz I don't like to make it easy on myself you know. Nah, I can't really talk because what's the difference between one addiction or another. Can I say one is ok and one is not. Not really without being a hypocrite. So it is what it is. At least he just smokes the shit as opposed to slamming it... I didn't know that there was a difference between heroin addicts who smoked the shit and ones who were junkies until now. Smokers - from what I've seen - at least tend to be a little more on the sane side... a little less on the willing-to-do-ANYTHING-whether-it-be-cheat-steal-rob-kill-or-prostitute-myself side... Ok... that is enough writing for tonight. I'm REALLY going to start blogging regularly again. I can't believe I went THIS long. Once again I am grateful to everyone who was concerned about me. It's nice to know that people give a shit... even if they're strangers who live hundreds or thousands of miles away and who I've never met. I'll take what I can get LOL. Later :)

Ever Seem Like You Just Can't Leave?

Just Can't Seem To Get Out of the House    So yesterday I was trying to just get dressed and go to a friend's house and try and get some shit for Herc and me. I of course, dawdled, and got distracted and couldn't get out of my own way. Finally, I was more or less out the door except I decided I should eat something before I left & sat down to have a bowl of cereal. Herc lost patience with me and snapped at me about how I was taking too long and he'd have been there and back by now etc etc... Told me he was going to just go himself.
     So I angrily kept notes secretly as he was getting ready to leave. At first it was in anger so I'd have proof for myself that he really DOES take just as long as I do to go anywhere. But today it's just funny as hell to look back on... WHY DO WE GET STUCK SO OFTEN? Takes for damned ever to get out of the house sometimes.....

• 1:42pm     Herc says I'm taking too long and to nevermind he's just going to go himself.
• 1:49pm    Gets dressed and then "hurries" to the kitchen table; hurries up and sits down to smoke some black that is.
• 2:05pm     After arguing w/ me, Herc hustles out the door only to come immediately back in and start rustling through stuff. (Obviously much more focused on going to run this errand than I was... God it's a good thing he didn't wait for me to eat that bowl of cereal... )
• 2:09pm     After arguing with me again for a couple pointless minutes about stupid bullshit he says my favorite phrase, "You know, if you wanted to while I'm gone...." (*GROAN*)
  The 'If you wanted to while I'm gone' lead-in is usually followed by a few suggestions as to possible tasks that I might find to be the wisest use of my time in his absence. Usually ends with the ever-appreciative, "but I know you probably won't so..."
• 2:11pm     He leaves (finally)
• 2:11pm     Comes back in again? for what?...... Ah now he's decided he needs to take the lock off of the door so that he can get a key made for the deadbolt. (Is currently still doing that now & it's 2:15 - 35 minutes now after he said I was taking too long and that he was just going to go himself.
• 2:20pm     Finally Herc actually leaves
• 2:24pm     False alarm, he didn't actually leave - he's still outside. Doing what? I don't know but I can hear him outside rifling around through stuff .... aha now he just called my name (geez)
• 2:35pm     Herc leaves for real? Heard the bike click-clicking as he pushed it away...

That's 53 minutes he took to leave - ALMOST AN HOUR lol - gee like I said it sure is a good thing he didn't wait for me to finish that bowl of cereal.