Ok - Just a quick post (I think.) I have really gotten out of control with this whole gambling thing! I mean - this is ridiculous. Everyday I make sure to scurry to the bank immediately after I get off of work so that I can deposit the day's tips. Then every night I keep spending every single dollar that I can.... The last two paychecks I got were completely spent within an hour or two of having deposited them.
I don't spend my money on anything I NEED lately.... I just want to make sure that every dollar I have gets to go towards my gambling habit; a habit which is exacerbated by my meth use. Because lately my favorite thing to do is do a shot and then crack open a Mike's Harder Cranberry Lemonade and log onto one of my casino accounts. Because that's my new favorite pastime - being high and gambling. The little logical voice in my head (the one I never listen to) says that's because when I'm doing both at the same time, I am feeding two addictions at the same time. Double the pleasure double the fun? Geez!
And my newly developed gambling addiction almost takes precedent OVER my meth addiction - which surprised even me. Because the other day when I was almost out of shit, I decided I could go a day or two without since I only had about $25 which is only enough money for me to either by a bag, or make one online deposit - but not both. And I opted for depositing into the casino rather than getting a bag... Weird. (In the end it didn't matter. My friend gave me $50 to get some shit for him and I ended up fronting myself a 25 sack from the 50 sack I got for him and now I just owe him the $25)
I looked over my casino deposits online and for last month I blew somewhere in the $400 range and so far this month I've already spent a little over $300!!! That's a lot of money when you're a Lower Tax Bracket Girl like myself! This is just more craziness that I'm dishing out to myself even though I KNOW BETTER!!!
That being said I'm about to log back into the casino right now.
This could be (is?) really bad....
Friday, September 16, 2011
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Loneliness Sneaks In The Back Door When I'm Not Looking
So - to kind of sum things up where I guess I left off in my last post, I was doing just fine (more or less) before all this random stuff happened with several different guys. I was totally content to not really have a social life outside of work. I know that sounds strange, but it's not. My rationale has kind of been that I don't really want to meet or become involved with anyone at this point in my life. I don't really feel like I'm living up to my full potential right now, and I'm 31 years old and live with my parents. I have no license and no car. I owe over $5,000 in various fines before I can get my license back. And, oh yeah - there's this whole addiction thing that I've apparently returned to for the time being.
Really if I was to meet a man who was in my situation I would probably think he was a little bit of a loser. And if I'm completely honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that right now I'M sort of the loser. So anyway, I know these things and I've been lucky enough (until recently) to not have feelings for anyone. I was happy with my own company (and the company of my cat.) I wasn't lonely or wishing I was in a relationship or that I had someone. And I didn't have a crush on anyone and therefore didn't have to have someone in my head all the time and didn't have to spend countless hours wondering about Them, and whether or not They were thinking about me (etc.)
After last month though, I find that I've changed. Thankfully I'm not (yet) stuck on any one person or anything. (Although I still occasionally think about #2 from my previous post and I sort of wonder what could have been or if something like that would've ever worked out if so many things had been different then they are.) But even though I'm not infatuated with anyone, I find suddenly that I feel lonely for the first time in a long time. Maybe lonely isn't the right word - it's not like I don't like just being by myself - because I do. I REALLY like to be able to have privacy. However the past few days or week or so I find myself kind of wishing I had someone that songs on the radio made me think of; someone who I'd get all giddy thinking about lol....
But I DON'T think that I really DO want that kind of relationship in my life right now... do I? And where does meth fit in? Because if I start seeing someone who doesn't do it - then most likely I will feel the need to hide it from them - which is dishonest and can ultimately end only in disaster.
But I don't really think it would be any better for me to end up in a relationship with someone else who does it too. That would most likely only help to perpetuate my own addiction (as well as theirs) and only end up making it that much harder for me to let it go....
Really if I was to meet a man who was in my situation I would probably think he was a little bit of a loser. And if I'm completely honest with myself, I have to acknowledge that right now I'M sort of the loser. So anyway, I know these things and I've been lucky enough (until recently) to not have feelings for anyone. I was happy with my own company (and the company of my cat.) I wasn't lonely or wishing I was in a relationship or that I had someone. And I didn't have a crush on anyone and therefore didn't have to have someone in my head all the time and didn't have to spend countless hours wondering about Them, and whether or not They were thinking about me (etc.)
After last month though, I find that I've changed. Thankfully I'm not (yet) stuck on any one person or anything. (Although I still occasionally think about #2 from my previous post and I sort of wonder what could have been or if something like that would've ever worked out if so many things had been different then they are.) But even though I'm not infatuated with anyone, I find suddenly that I feel lonely for the first time in a long time. Maybe lonely isn't the right word - it's not like I don't like just being by myself - because I do. I REALLY like to be able to have privacy. However the past few days or week or so I find myself kind of wishing I had someone that songs on the radio made me think of; someone who I'd get all giddy thinking about lol....
But I DON'T think that I really DO want that kind of relationship in my life right now... do I? And where does meth fit in? Because if I start seeing someone who doesn't do it - then most likely I will feel the need to hide it from them - which is dishonest and can ultimately end only in disaster.
But I don't really think it would be any better for me to end up in a relationship with someone else who does it too. That would most likely only help to perpetuate my own addiction (as well as theirs) and only end up making it that much harder for me to let it go....
Goodbye August and Good Riddance!!!
Good riddance to the month of August!!! The whole month was rather annoying and terrible. Filled with a whole lot of drama! Geez! And I'm really wishing that I could go back to the way that I was before August happened.... before I discovered the convenience of online casinos. And before I started getting all hung up on getting hung up on people. It was only a month a go that I was perfectly content to simply go to work and then come home and be by myself in my room and enjoy my privacy. I didn't have any confusing or annoying feelings for anyone; wasn't all infatuated and gooey-eyed and stuck thinking about someone all the time. And I wasn't lonely either. I was freaking content!! I know how much energy and head space being infatuated with someone takes, and I was actually really grateful to NOT be that way.
BUT THEN - (enter August, stage left) - There's just been so much stupid and annoying shit that happened this month - I got ripped off by an old friend of mine who used to be so trustworthy! I'm too tired to bother with writing about it all. So I'm just going to skip ahead to the 'man trouble' portion of this episode.
But it wasn't just one guy that got me all f**ked up in the head - it was 3 of them - each of them kind of contributed in their own way (along with me) to the little bit of a mess that I am now.
#1 was a pretty good friend of mine who I've known for several years. He was one of the few people who wrote me the entire time I was in prison. We slept together a couple times this August (having slept together once before right after I got out of prison.) I insisted I didn't want him to get too attached to me (for fear of ruining our friendship.) But then apparently I got upset when he didn't. Plus there's the whole added factor of his on-again off-again girlfriend who he's apparently in love with. I got to meet said girlfriend in person one night - a night which involved a lot of everyone fighting with everyone else (there were fistfights and cops and broken glass oh my!) That night I made sure to tell him I didn't want him to ever even look at me again let alone talk to me. Somewhere in there after drinking more, I may have even texted him telling him something like he was the spawn of Satan... Anyway that same night, I met #2.....
#2 was a one-night stand who's really good friends with #1. He is also the only one of these 3 guys who doesn't use meth anymore. (That was impressive to me - reminded me of what I also could be strong enough to do.) I think I was initially reciprocating the attention #2 was paying to me in order to bother #1. Of course #1 just ended up coming up to #2 in the bar and started letting him know that I was one of the coolest chicks he's ever known and how I'm a good friend and blah blah... It was at that point that I told #1 that I didn't need a cheerleader thank you very much and to fuck off. Anyway #2 and I had a bunch of strange funny little things in common. He turned out to be cute, smart, and funny, and we had a total blast - before, during and after sleeping together. Without meaning to I got a little attached (how is that possible after only spending one night with someone?!!!) But in the end (about a week later) I ended up sending him a text message asking him please to delete my number from his phone as I was doing the same.
#3 was the guy that I was TOTALLY hung up on right before I went to prison. He was kind of a selfish dick then and apparently he's still a selfish dick now. He doesn't live in the same town as me, he actually lives in Phoenix, which is about an hour and a half away. This guy just popped back into my life recently. I still haven't seen him since before I went into prison, but as of last weekend, he made plans to come pick me up and we were supposed to go out of town for Thursday and Friday. So I got my shifts at work covered for those days. But only after checking with him several times to see that he was SURE he was going to make it. He has a history of being a flake and I didn't really want to give up a Friday night shift since it can be good money. But he ASSURED me that he'd be here Thursday early in the morning and he'd bring some "really good shit" for me (as in dope, duh) when he came.
So I made sure to get all shaved (by which I don't mean my legs although I did those too!)
And I packed my pretty underwear....
And then of course, he stood me the fuck up. And I was reminded just how flaky he is. He used to do this kind of shit all the time back in the days when he and I sort of had a thing (or at least, when I had a thing.) So I ended up sending him a text message that told him to go ahead and delete my number from his phone since I was going to do the same (this is apparently my new favorite thing to text to people.)
Anyway, that's the condensed version of my recent man troubles. The really condensed version.
And like I mentioned earlier, August sucked. Goodbye August and Good Riddance!!!
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