Guess I'll Be Strong Tomorrow

Well, I broke down (surprise.)  As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm waiting for Pam to come get me so that we can go drive to meet Jack who's about 40 minutes away.  And if all goes well I'll have a rig this time so I can shoot it rather than waste it all trying to smoke out of a light bulb.  I'm kind of disappointed in myself but my justification is this:  I've only got 2 & 1/2 more days of privacy (having the house with my mom and stepdad gone) so I'm going to take advantage of it.
    At this point, even if my TASC color does come up and I have to take a UA, I'm just going to skip it and pretend like I forgot to call.  By the time I see my parole officer again and he realizes it, I'll be about 5 or 6 days away from being off of parole anyway so I doubt that he'll do anything.
    If I'm lucky, my color won't come up until next week and by then I should be clean.  All right on that note, Pam's going to be here any second so I should go.... I'm kind of nervous about going with her because I get paranoid going for these car rides; not so much on the way there as on the way back when we're carrying drugs.  But at the same time I like the fact that I'll be with her the whole time so she won't be able to gyp me.  Ok, she's here.... I'll probably write more later tonight...

Last Day?

Ok, so I had a couple hits left in my light bulb this morning.  I did those and told myself that was going to be all.  But then I ended up going over to Bob's house for a while so that he could burn a couple of bowls with me.  After that I came back home and now here I am wanting to smoke another one. 
    I'm going to try to be strong this time. 
    I have to come down eventually and stay that way for a while.  This whole thing has really gotten out of hand.  When I got out of prison in November, I was saying that there wasn't any way that I was going to risk going back by getting high while still on parole.  Then I broke down one time.  Then about a month later I did it again.  After that it was only about a week later when I did it again.  Then about a week or so ago I ended up going on a 4 or 5 day binge over at Bob's house. 
All I know is that it's been a few weeks now since I've gone longer than a day or two without getting high.
     So, once again, I'm trying to remind myself to be strong.  This is not a path I want to keep walking down.  It's not very likely that I'll turn my life around for the better if I start tweaking again all the time. 
    So here's to me being strong........

Not the best stuff, maybe it's the stupid light bulb.

Ok, so I just had to go back into my two previous posts and edit the names.  I was originally trying to change the names to protect peoples' identities, but that's going to end up being a real pain in the ass and too hard to keep track.
    So, whatever.  I ended up going to bed last night, but then got a call from Bob at 5am this morning.  Jack had finally come back from his road trip where he went to pick some up.  Jack was nice enough to bring me by a 20, (finally!) But throughout the morning, I've smoked over half of it already (wasn't very big I'll add) and it doesn't seem to be all that great.  Normally lately I've been able to smoke a bowl and then be high for a couple of hours before wanting/needing to smoke some more.
    This stuff I've had to force myself to not to keep smoking more every couple of minutes.... so I'm not all that impressed with the quality.  That kind of sucks since I've been telling myself that this was going to be the last time I do any until I get off of parole.  And now I feel like it hasn't been all that great so I want to do it again.  (I am aware that this could go on for a while)
    Then again, maybe it's the fact that I'm smoking out of a stupid light bulb instead of a real glass pipe.  It's harder for me to get really good hits from a light bulb, and I think that a lot of the dope ends up getting wasted. 
   What I'd REALLY like to do with the amount that I have left is shoot it but I don't have a syringe.  I haven't done any that way since I got out of prison.  It really would be the best way to get the most out of what I have left.  I don't know.... that's a whole other can of worms I'd be opening if I started doing that again....

Stupid waiting games; screwing up again.

Ok, so today my mom and my stepdad are out of town for a few days.  My stepdad's mom is still here but she's kind of old and mostly deaf and I'm kinda just hanging around to make sure she doesn't leave the gas stove on and stuff like that.  And I have some money that my stepdad left me with and I wanted to get just a 20.  It never fails though that once I have the house pretty much to myself and the money to get something, nobody can seem to freaking get any!!  I've called everyone that I know and everybody is waiting on someone else.  This is a stupid and annoying game that I have played at least hundreds of times before.  The smart thing to do would just be to call it a night and try again tomorrow.  But of course, I've been looking for hours now and it's so hard to give up.  It's almost like the principle of the thing -- I've been building it up all night now and I feel like I just HAVE to get some now!
    Ok, so Scott, who was my most promising option accidentally pocket-answered his phone when I just called him now.  I could tell from all of the bleep-bleeping and dinging that he's at the casino.  Good thing he doesn't have any of MY money.  I know that I'm probably not going to get any tonight -- I most likely will have to wait until tomorrow.  So I'm going to try and let it go and change into my pajamas and get ready for bed..... I have to just calm down and let it go until tomorrow.  I've been through this before and know that getting all anxious and jonesing for it doesn't really help at all and only makes it more annoying. 
    I'm just going to try and call Scott ONE more time......

Meth - 1 : Me - 0

Well, here I am at 3:23 am kind of coming down.  When I left my friend Bob's house the other day (after going on about a 5 day binge there) I told myself that I needed to not do any shit for a few weeks.  At the very least, I need to let my system clean out hopefully before my TASC color comes up this month.  It only comes up once a month, but I never know when it will come up.  I have to call everyday and listen to the colors and as soon as mine comes up (my color is maroon) I have to report that day and take a UA.   But I had just a little shit that I got from Bob -- not a whole lot -- but I was "saving" it.  Of course, being in possession of it, I lasted about 2 days before I broke down and did it tonight.  It was stupid because I didn't even really enjoy it, there wasn't enough of it to enjoy really.  I ended up doing the majority of it by snorting it, which wasn't really all that great.  It wasn't until later that I found where my mom keeps the light bulbs and was able to fashion a sort of glass pipe out of one of those.  But by then what I had was mostly gone and the little I had left to smoke only succeeded in waking me up a little and making me want more.  So here I am again, telling myself that tonight is going to have to be the last time I do meth for a while......